Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

A farmer is giving his city born blonde wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores.
“A guy will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows.
I’ve hung a nail by the right stall so you’ll know which one I want him to impregnate."

Satisfied that his wife had the instructions clear, the farmer leaves for town.
That afternoon, the inseminator arrives and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.
“This is the cow right here,” she tells him.

“What’s the nail for?” he asks

“I guess it’s to hang up your pants.”

A farmer bought a cow. When he got home with her he discovered that she was cross-eyed. He called the vet to correct the condition. The vet arrived and inserted a tube in the vagina and blew on it. That corrected the condition and he charged $40. The next morning the cow was cross-eyed again. In order to save the $40 charge, he decided to perform the procedure himself. He inserted a piece of garden hose and blew but got no effect. He asked his son to try it while he watched her eyes for effect. The son turned the tube around and inserted it. The farmer asked, “Was I blowing on the wrong end?”. The son replied, “You don’t think I am going to blow on the same end that you blew on”.

How things work down under --


Australian 911 Operator : "G'day mate .. Helpline here ... What's the problem?"

Caller : "I'm in the Outback with the girlfriend and she's been stung on her thigh by a hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up!"

Australian 911 Operator : "Bummer!"

Caller : "Great advice! Thanks mate, bye.”

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.
As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little amorous.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you have sex with me?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her.
“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much!"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
“Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you..."


Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's older sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice, she says:

"Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it, or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it..
But for gods sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!

champsman said:

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.
As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little amorous.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you have sex with me?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her.
“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much!"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
“Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you..."


Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's older sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice, she says:

"Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it, or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it..
But for gods sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!

Click to expand...

Even my wife liked that one.

A man is driving through an English countryside when he sees a beautiful blonde woman, without a stitch of clothes on, running across a field with three men in white lab coats chasing her.
The last man is carrying two bowling balls.
He stops the man with the bowling balls and asks, "What's going on?"

The man replies, "The blonde is a patient in a mental hospital over the hill.
They can't keep clothes on her.
Every couple of weeks she escapes and we have to chase her and bring her back."

"What's with the two bowling balls you're carrying," asked the man.

"Oh, I caught her last week, this is my handicap," the man answered.

And how can you go through a day with dirty balls?

There is a man from West Virginia who has ten children and doesn't want anymore.
So he decides to go see his doctor.
He says, "Doc I have ten kids and I don't want anymore, what can you do about it?"

The doctor says, "Go home, get a soda can and a cherry bomb, light the cherry bomb, put it in the can, hold it to your ear, and count to ten."

Well the man isn't sure about this so he goes to get a second opinion from a doctor in North Carolina.
He goes into the doctor’s office and tells the doctor, "Doc I have ten kids and I don't want anymore what can you do about it?"

Well the doctor tells him, "Just hop up on the table and snip, snip, and we are through."

The man says, "Whoa doc, my doctor in West Virginia told me...."

"Wait.
You are from West Virginia?
Here's what you do.
Get a soda can and a cherry bomb, light the cherry bomb, drop it in the can, hold it to your ear, and count to ten."

So upon hearing this the man leaves and goes home.
He gets the soda can and the cherry bomb.
He lights it, puts it to his ear, and counts on one hand 1,2,3,4,5, then he puts the can between his legs and counts on the other hand 6,7,8,9... Boooom!

No more kids.