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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )
- Thread starter Keith Dahl
- Start date
Managing to pull himself onto the bus early one morning, the drunk stumbled over passengers, knocked over bags and briefcases, and finally fell into a seat beside a prim old woman.
He slumped over her, and she pushed him back. “Mister,” she said indignantly.
“I hate to say it, but you are going straight to hell!”
Startled, the drunk leapt to his feet. “Christ, I’m on the wrong bus!”
He slumped over her, and she pushed him back. “Mister,” she said indignantly.
“I hate to say it, but you are going straight to hell!”
Startled, the drunk leapt to his feet. “Christ, I’m on the wrong bus!”
During camouflage training in Kentucky, a private, disguised as a tree trunk, makes a sudden move and is spotted by a visiting general.
"You!" the officer barks.
"Don’t you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"
"Yes, sir," the solder answers apologetically.
"But, if I may say so, sir, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger one say,
'Let’s eat one now and save the other until winter,' well that did it."
"You!" the officer barks.
"Don’t you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"
"Yes, sir," the solder answers apologetically.
"But, if I may say so, sir, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger one say,
'Let’s eat one now and save the other until winter,' well that did it."
There is a family of storks, a mommy stork, a daddy stork, and a baby stork.
One day, daddy didn't come home for dinner.
Mommy and baby were very worried. When dad came home late the next morning, they asked what he was doing.
"I was making a young couple very happy," he replied.
About a week later, mommy didn't come home for dinner.
Daddy and baby were very worried. When mom came home late the next morning, they asked what she was doing.
"I was making a young couple very happy," she replied.
A few days later, baby didn't come home for dinner.
Mom and dad were very worried.
When he came home very late the next morning, they asked him where he was.
Baby just grinned and said, "I've been scaring the shit out of college students!"
One day, daddy didn't come home for dinner.
Mommy and baby were very worried. When dad came home late the next morning, they asked what he was doing.
"I was making a young couple very happy," he replied.
About a week later, mommy didn't come home for dinner.
Daddy and baby were very worried. When mom came home late the next morning, they asked what she was doing.
"I was making a young couple very happy," she replied.
A few days later, baby didn't come home for dinner.
Mom and dad were very worried.
When he came home very late the next morning, they asked him where he was.
Baby just grinned and said, "I've been scaring the shit out of college students!"
Frim
Elio Addict
gottemfeathers
Elio Addict
An old cowboy named Steve appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Well Steve, have you ever done anything of particular merit?', St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'Steve, when did this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago.'
'Well Steve, have you ever done anything of particular merit?', St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'Steve, when did this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago.'
gottemfeathers
Elio Addict
Yesterday I got my permit to carry a concealed weapon.
So, today I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a 9mm handgun for
home/personal protection.
When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said,
"Strip down, facing me.”
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control
wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out
she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card
reader!
As a senior citizen, I do not get flustered often, but this time it
took me a while to get my pants back on.
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear.
I still don't think I looked that bad! Just need to wear underwear more often…
So, today I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a 9mm handgun for
home/personal protection.
When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said,
"Strip down, facing me.”
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control
wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out
she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card
reader!
As a senior citizen, I do not get flustered often, but this time it
took me a while to get my pants back on.
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear.
I still don't think I looked that bad! Just need to wear underwear more often…
A man walks into a bar and sees a good looking smart dressed woman perched on a barstool.
He walks up behind her and says, “Hi there, good looking, how’s it going?”
She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, “Listen, I’ll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it.”
“No kidding? I’m a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?”
He walks up behind her and says, “Hi there, good looking, how’s it going?”
She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, “Listen, I’ll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it.”
“No kidding? I’m a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?”
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for some condoms with insecticide.
"I think you mean spermicidal," says the cashier.
"No", he says, "I need condoms with insecticide. My wife has a bug up her ass and I'm going in after it."
"I think you mean spermicidal," says the cashier.
"No", he says, "I need condoms with insecticide. My wife has a bug up her ass and I'm going in after it."
Two migrants arrive in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," the other one replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the first migrant point to a hot-dog vendor and they both walk towards it.
"Two dogs, please," says one of the migrants. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil.
Excited, the migrants hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their ‘dogs.’
One migrant unwraps the wrapper, stares at it for a moment, leans over to the other and whispers cautiously,
"What part did you get?"
"Odd," the other one replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the first migrant point to a hot-dog vendor and they both walk towards it.
"Two dogs, please," says one of the migrants. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil.
Excited, the migrants hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their ‘dogs.’
One migrant unwraps the wrapper, stares at it for a moment, leans over to the other and whispers cautiously,
"What part did you get?"