Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

A guy is traveling across the plains of America and stops at a roadhouse.
He stands at the end of the bar quietly sipping his beer and blowing smoke rings.

After this goes on for a while an angry Indian approaches him and says,
“Now buddy, listen if you don’t stop insulting my wife, I’ll kick the crap out of you!” .. ..

A little boy was attending church with his mother when he suddenly turned to his mother and said "Mummy, I feel a bit sick."

His mother replied, "Don't worry dear, just go outside until you feel a better."

So he went outside but was back in a very short time and his mother enquired if he was okay.

"Yes," he replied, "I found a bowl which said 'For the Sick’."

The cake serving machine

That was good, kind of a long drawn out process, but it worked.
Wonder how many tries it took him?

A blind rabbit and blind snake bump into each other in the forest.
The rabbit says, "Excuse me, I'm blind."

The snake replies, "That's okay, so am I.
I got an idea. Let's rub up against each other so we know what we are?"

Reluctantly the rabbit agrees.
The snake coiled around the rabbit, felt his long ears and bushy tail, and said, "Hey, you're a rabbit!"

It was then the rabbits turn.
He felt the snake's fangs, ran down the snake's entire body, then felt the snake's rattler.
The rabbit jumped back quickly and hopped through the woods frantically screaming, "HE'S A LAWYER, HE'S A LAWYER!"

My wife inquired as to what I was up to in the kitchen with the fly swatter ...

I said, “killing flies”

she replies, “killed any?”

“Yes”, I said, “3 males & 2 females”

Intrigued she asks, “how do you know the sex?”

“Well, easy, 3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone”

A couple of Las Vegas casino owners were talking about the talents of their employees. One said that his chorus line and the director were the most talented in the whole state. They were so good they didn't even have to dance. They could entertain just standing still on the stage. This being Vegas a bet was soon made. The owner bet that his chorus of 16 beautiful ladies could portray a classical music selection without moving a muscle. The next day the other casino owner came to collect on the wager. The first 8 chorus girls walked out on the stage stark naked. They formed a line, one facing the audience, the next one facing away the next one facing the audience and the next one facing away. The next one facing the audience and the next 3 facing away. The other 8 came out and lined up the same way. The first casino owner said "they are not portraying anything and I am not going to pay". The other casino owner said "Of course they are! It is the William Tell overture. You probably know it as the Lone Ranger theme. Titty rump titty rump titty rump rump rump titty rump titty rump titty rump rump rump

A teacher, trying to teach good manners, asked her student the following question, “Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'"

The teacher fainted.

I grew up and # was the number sign on the phone dial. It was also used to abbreviate "pound". When reading today's slang writings, I don't see "handbag", I see "pound".

Imagined my confusion with the current sexual assault media coverage when all the women are tagging their posts with #me too... "Pound me, too" Well, young lady, there's yer problem right there!