Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[ross]

A guy has always wanted to skydive, so he signs up for lessons and is told to jump out of the airplane, count to ten and pull the ripcord, if it doesn't open pull the reserve chute. So he goes up for his first jump as does as taught, he jumps out, counts to ten, pulls the ripcord, and nothing, he pulls his reserve chute, again nothing he's tugging at the chute and he looks down at the ground and sees a fellow floating up towards him and thinks this is odd but this is the first i've ever jumped out of an airplane, it might happen all the time, as the man gets closer he yells at him 'Hey do you know anything about parachutes?' And the other fellow hollers back 'No, do you know anything about Coleman stoves?'

 

[champsman]

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".

Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".

And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.

 

[ross]

Same scenario but this guy is in the military, he gets the same instructions but is told 'when you get down on the ground there will be a truck there to take you to take you back to the base. He goes up, jumps out and the same thing happens, he pulls the ripcord, nothing pulls the reserve, again nothing, he looks around and says "just my luck that damn truck won't be there either!

 

[ross]

Okay this one's X rated so be warned> Two ex paratroopers meet in a bar and recount their first jumps. The first ones says "they took me up 2 thousand feet and told me to jump, I looked out and said F U I'm not jumping" jump master says " either jump or i'll throw you out" trooper 2 asks "what'd you do?" trooper 1 says "I jumped" trooper 2 says" same thing they took me up 2 thousand feet and told me to jump, I looked out and "said F U I aint jumping" jump master says either you jump or I'm going to butt fuck you" Trooper 1 asks "what'd you do did you jump?" trooper 2 says "yea a little bit at first"

 

[HHH]

A friend asked me, "Now that you are retired, do you still have any sort of job?"
I replied, "Yes, I am my wife's sexual adviser."
Somewhat shocked, he said, "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"
"Very simple. My wife has told me that when she needs my f-ing advice, she'll ask me for it."

 

[pistonboy]

A couple brings their newborn son home from the hospital and introduces him to their daughter. One day the baby cries and the mother decides this is a good opportunity to educate their daughter about the differences between boys and girls. The mother asks the daughter to change her brothers diaper. The daughter obliges and returns whereupon the mother asks "Did you notice any differences between boys and girls?" The daughter replied "Yes! Boys are not tucked in as neatly as girls!"

 

[ross]

carpenter gets his finger cut off at work, goes to the hospital and calls his wife and tells her he got his finger cut off she asks " the whole finger?" he says "no the one beside it"

 

[ross]

Little 12 year old girl is getting a hair cut at a salon and she's eating a twinkie, beautician says "you know you're getting hair on your twinkie", little girl smiles and says " I know I'm growing boobies too"

 

[Coss]

A brunette walked into a doctors office and said" Dr. Dr.! It hurts all over, what should I do! Every where I touch hurts!" He touched every where asking if it hurt, and her reply was always no, he then asked "Were you once a blonde?" " Why, Yes" she said "How did you know?" Because you have a broken finger!

 

[champsman]

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was
retiring . The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on
his rounds , so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house , a woman complains : "I've been a little sick to my
stomach".

The older doctor says : "Well , you've probably been overdoing the fresh
fruit . Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the
trick ?"As they left , the younger man said : "You didn't even examine that
woman ?

How do you come to the diagnosis so quickly ?"

"I didn't have to . You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in
there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels
in the trash . That was what probably was making her sick".

The younger doctor said: "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try
that at the next house".

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a
younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did
and said: "I'm feeling terribly run down lately".

"You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger doctor
told her . "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps".

As they left , the elder doctor said : "I know that woman well . Your
diagnosis is most certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but
how did you arrive at it?"

"I did what you did at the last house . I dropped my stethoscope and, when I
bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the pastor under the bed. [Broken External Image]