bowers baldwin
Elio Addict
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- May 2, 2014
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Did you see "Our most valuable resource sits 63' ahead"?
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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )
- Thread starter Keith Dahl
- Start date
Yeah. Obviously they're talking about the engine. Any company that refers to "people" as "our most valuable resource" means they've placed them just above paper clips and pencils in the hierarchy of "corporate resources."
Get to see something like this 3-4 times a year at the same bridge on GW Parkway.
champsman
Elio Addict
Home Cooked Meal
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly
that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what
should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers,
and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-
cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date
for a week later. His mother called the day after the big
date to see how things had gone.
"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.
"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.
"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook...."
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly
that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what
should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers,
and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-
cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date
for a week later. His mother called the day after the big
date to see how things had gone.
"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.
"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.
"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook...."
Why Americans Shouldn't Be Allowed To Travel
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
1. I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
2. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
3. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response was "click".
4. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
5. I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."
6. Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
7. A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
8. A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while "I looked into it," (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
9. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.
10. "A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
11. A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
12. A woman called to make reservations. "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
1. I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
2. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
3. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response was "click".
4. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
5. I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."
6. Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
7. A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
8. A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while "I looked into it," (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
9. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.
10. "A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
11. A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
12. A woman called to make reservations. "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
The Devil Walks Into a Bar.......
The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is, they all run out except this one old man.
So the devil walks up to him and says" Do you know who I am?"
The old man sips his beer and answers "yep". The Devil says "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The old man looks over and says" I've been married to your sister for 27 years, why the hell should I be scared of you."
The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is, they all run out except this one old man.
So the devil walks up to him and says" Do you know who I am?"
The old man sips his beer and answers "yep". The Devil says "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The old man looks over and says" I've been married to your sister for 27 years, why the hell should I be scared of you."
champsman
Elio Addict
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'
champsman
Elio Addict
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
A bear walks into a bar, straight up to the bartender and says, "Give me a beer."
The bartender replies, "I don't serve beers to bears in this bar."
The bear gets a little angry and growls "Give me a beer!!"
"I don't serve beers to bears in this bar."
The bear retorts, "See that lady sitting at the end of the bar? If you don't give me a beer I'm going to go down there and swallow her whole."
The bartender replies, "Do what you gotta do but I don't serve beers to bears in this bar."
So the bear tromps down to the end of the bars and devours the lady sitting there, then returns to the bartender, "No give me a damn beer!!!"
"Sorry I don't serve beers to bears in this bar, especially bears on drugs."
"Bears on drugs!!?? What the hell are you talking about??"
"Well, wasn't that a bar-bitch-you-ate?"
The bartender replies, "I don't serve beers to bears in this bar."
The bear gets a little angry and growls "Give me a beer!!"
"I don't serve beers to bears in this bar."
The bear retorts, "See that lady sitting at the end of the bar? If you don't give me a beer I'm going to go down there and swallow her whole."
The bartender replies, "Do what you gotta do but I don't serve beers to bears in this bar."
So the bear tromps down to the end of the bars and devours the lady sitting there, then returns to the bartender, "No give me a damn beer!!!"
"Sorry I don't serve beers to bears in this bar, especially bears on drugs."
"Bears on drugs!!?? What the hell are you talking about??"
"Well, wasn't that a bar-bitch-you-ate?"
In Texas..
A Texan in New York City needed to call a nearby community from a pay phone.
“Deposit a dollar and eighty-five cents, please,” instructed the operator.
Pulling himself up to full height and using his thickest Texas drawl, he objected, “Ma’am, I’m from Texas, and in Texas we can place a call to hell and back for that price!”
“I understand, sir,” retorted the operator, “but in Texas, that’s a local call.”
A Texan in New York City needed to call a nearby community from a pay phone.
“Deposit a dollar and eighty-five cents, please,” instructed the operator.
Pulling himself up to full height and using his thickest Texas drawl, he objected, “Ma’am, I’m from Texas, and in Texas we can place a call to hell and back for that price!”
“I understand, sir,” retorted the operator, “but in Texas, that’s a local call.”