Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Gizmo]

 

[outsydthebox]

A man comes home to find his wife packing her suitcases. "what are you doing?", he asks. "I am leaving you", she replies, I just found out that I can be making $1,000 a night for what you have been getting all of these years for free!" Without saying a word, the man gets out his own suitcases and starts to pack. She asks, "Now, what are YOU doing?" He replies, " I'm going with you, I want to see how you're going to live on $2,000 a year!

 

[Coss]

Extreme Sexual Exhaustion

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.
She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student’s immediate family.

A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says: "Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with."

 

[Hotscoots]

http://www.tubechop.com/watch/7082035

 

[Hotscoots]

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past
Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He
told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
'Sir...There's no money in that account.

''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’

 

[outsydthebox]

I was walking thru the park one day when I noticed a very old gentleman sitting alone on a park bench. He was quietly crying. I stopped and asked him if he was alright. He looked at me thru his tears and smiled. He held out a photograph of a stunningly beautiful young woman and said, "This is my wife. She is 25 years old. Everyday she takes good care of me. She is a wonderful cook! She's a wonderful housekeeper! She makes love to me twice a day!" Puzzled, I asked, "So, why are you crying?" He replied, "Because, I can't remember where I live!"

 

[champsman]

God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and

sex if she wants to get into heaven.





The woman said she would try her best. God visited the woman a week later

to see how she was getting on.



"Not bad," said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking, but then

I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught

sight of my long slender legs, went wild, and made love to me right then and

there."



"They don't like that in heaven," said God.



The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Walmart either!"

 

[WilliamH]

Window sticker observed on a Jeep with Louisiana plates......

Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But a hollow point
Expands on impact

 

[Coss]

Q & A..

Question:
What is the difference between a Southern fairy tale and a Northern fairy tale?

Answer:
A northern fairy tale starts out "once upon a time".

A southern fairy tale starts out "y'all ain’t gonna believe this shit!

 

[champsman]

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.
He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.

The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.

On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard.

He is an extensively educated and experienced professional.

Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast.

I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky.

The King and Queen were totally soaked...... and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!

Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.

I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping,

it means with certainty that it will rain."

So the king hired the donkey.

And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government, and ...occupy its highest and most influential positions.....