Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

The Golden Years

I cannot see, I cannot pee

I have no heart, I cannot fart

My hearing sinks, my memory shrinks

My body’s drooping and I got trouble pooping

The golden years have come at last

The golden years can kiss my ***

 

[Coss]

 

[larryboy]

Ole and Lena are sitting in the kitchen of their Minneapolis home drinking coffee and listening to the radio. It is snowing heavily and the announcer says "In order to facilitate snow removal parking is only allowed on the side of the street with even house numbers. A few days later, the scene is the same, the snow is falling even more heavily and the announcer says "Please park all cars on the........ At that point a tree limb falls on the power line and the radio goes silent. Ole says " O that's yust fine! How vill I know vich side of de street to park de car?" " Lena says, Ole, Ole, whose to know' yust leave the car in the garage!"

 

[Coss]

On His Deathbed

An old man was on his deathbed.

He wanted badly to take all his money with him.

He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.

"Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin.

Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."

The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed.

"I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

 

[Coss]

Check-up

An elderly couple visits the doctor so the wife who is feeling poorly gets a checkup.

The old man waits in the waiting room while the old lady is in the examining room.

After a complete exam, the doctor brings the old woman into his office to ask her a few questions. “How are you sleeping?” he asks.

“I get eight hours of sleep,” says the woman, “and sometimes I wake up to go the bathroom, but I have no problem falling back to sleep. Occasionally I take a 30 minutes nap in the afternoon, but all in all, I sleep just fine.”

“How is your diet?” asks the doctor.

“I have three well-balanced meals a day,” says the woman. “Sometimes I have a light snack between lunch and dinner, but I eat very well.”

“Do you still have intercourse?” asks the doctor.

“What?” replies the old lady.

“Intercourse,” says the doctor. “Do you still have intercourse?”

The old woman get up out of her chair and opens the door to the waiting room and asks her husband, “Honey, do we have intercourse?”

The old man looks at her and says, “I have told you a thousand times, it’s Blue Cross Blue Shield!”

 

[champsman]

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for
her
grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just
grabs
one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is
standing there wearing dark shades. She
says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me
anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely
blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the
sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter
anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a
Zebco 404
reel and 10-LB. test line.
It's a good all around combination
and it's on sale this week for only
$20.00."

She says, "It's amazing
that you can tell all that just by the sound of
it dropping on the counter.
I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the
floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends
down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is
really embarrassed,
but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could
tell it was she who
tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the
only person
around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50
please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you
tell me the
rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get
$34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the
Duck Call
is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."

 

[Coss]

It's Only..

It’s only premarital sex if you are intending to get married.

 

[Coss]

Marital Stress

An elderly couple was sitting on there rocking chairs rocking back and forth.

When the woman whacked her husband as hard as she could right off his chair.

Surprised and disorientated he said: "now why did you do that?" and she replied: "That is for 50 years of horrible sex".

So he sits back down and thinks about it for a while, and pretty soon you hear another whack, this time the wife falls off the chair and soon, gets back up and says "what was that for?”

He replied, "that is for knowing the difference."

 

[Muzhik]

23 Road Construction Fails

I just can't believe #3 -- didn't anyone at the city review the plans?

 

[Coss]

Too many ads on those pages; take forever to load after 10 of them.
They were good despite that.