Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Catia]

My wife said that, for her birthday, she would like to go somewhere where she had not been for a long time. "What about the kitchen?" I offered.

 

[CompTrex]

My wife said that, for her birthday, she would like to go somewhere where she had not been for a long time. "What about the kitchen?" I offered.

OK. You can eat at my house for the next week ...

 

[Catia]

One friend says to another, "What happened to that ad you put in the paper to find a husband? Any luck with it" And the friend replies, "I got two hundred people who said, 'You can have mine.'"

 

[Dusty921]

Catia,
Got something to add to your signature line.

I'm a schizophrenic....so am I.

 

[outsydthebox]

A woman walks into a Pharmacy and says, " I need some arsenic...I want to kill my husband." The pharmacist says, "I can't do that...but, Why do you want to kill your husband?" The woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a photograph. She says, "I hired a PI and this is what he found!" The pharmacist looks at the picture and sees a man and a woman, naked in bed. He looks a little closer, and recognizes the woman..."that's my wife!" he exclaims. "Oh, that's different!" he says, "Why didn't you tell me you have a prescription?!?!"

 

[Dusty921]

A woman walks into a Pharmacy and says, " I need some arsenic...I want to kill my husband." The pharmacist says, "I can't do that...but, Why do you want to kill your husband?" The woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a photograph. She says, "I hired a PI and this is what he found!" The pharmacist looks at the picture and sees a man and a woman, naked in bed. He looks a little closer, and recognizes the woman..."that's my wife!" he exclaims. "Oh, that's different!" he says, "Why didn't you tell me you have a prescription?!?!"

That's just wrong..........knew there was a reason I liked you!

 

[outsydthebox]

That's just wrong..........knew there was a reason I liked you!

Lol, Thanks man!

 

[Hotscoots]

 

[LockMD]

A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher. She asks the teacher for a glass of cider.
"Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks.
"To take away the pain," sobs the little girl.
"What do you mean?" the teacher asks.
"Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

 

[LockMD]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth in the
Middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in
deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they
became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home
with her date. After being informed of the problem, their
daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, and then proceeded to
shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young
man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to
be when he grows older?'
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law.'