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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Keith Dahl, Sep 20, 2014.

  1. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.
    The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns.

    He arrived a half hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.
    The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.
    Taking out his book, he read the service.

    As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say, "Think we should tell him it's a septic tank?"
     
  2. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    Little Johnny’s father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.

    "I don’t want to know!" Johnny says, bursting into tears.
    Confused, his father asks what is wrong.

    "Oh daddy," Johnny sobs, "at age six I got the 'there is no Santa' speech.
    At age seven I got the 'there is no Easter bunny' speech.
    Then at age eight you hit me with the 'there is no tooth fairy' speech.


    If you’re going to tell me now that grown-ups don’t really have sex, then I’ve got nothing left to live for.”
     
    BigWarpGuy and Maurtis like this.
  3. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    Little Johnny asks, “Mommy, where do babies come from?"

    His mother replies, "The stork brings them."

    Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Who the hell is having sex with the stork?"

    His mother fainted.
     
    Frim, BigWarpGuy, Ty and 1 other person like this.
  4. gottemfeathers

    gottemfeathers Elio Aficionado

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    A store that sells new husbands has opened in Glasgow, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

    You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


    Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

    She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


    Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

    'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

    So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


    Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

    'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


    Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

    'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


    Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the
    sixth floor , where the sign reads:

    Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

    PLEASE NOTE:

    To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wive's store just across the street.

    The first floor has wives that love sex.

    The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer

    The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
     
    wizard of ahs, Maurtis, Ty and 3 others like this.
  5. BrianRosenthal

    BrianRosenthal Elio Aficionado

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    Just ran across this one:

    So old Nick and Orist are sitting on a bus stop bench just enjoyin the day, talkin over old times and how they still hope one day to get rich. A truck goes driving by with a load of sod all rolled up on the back. Nick points at the truck and says "When I get rich, thats what Im gonna do." Orist says " You gonna drive truck?" . "No" says Nick, "Im gonna send my grass out to have it mowed."
     
    Frim, Ty, Maurtis and 2 others like this.
  6. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    A little old man is taking his evening walk when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
    He gets closer and says to her, “Hey lady, would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?”

    The woman turns back and says, “Listen you, I’m not that kind of a woman! Got it?”

    But the very determined old man kept walking a few feet behind.
    He then says, “Would you let me bite your breast just once for $10,000 dollars?”

    The woman stops, thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars... okay, just once! But lets go to that dark alley.”

    They go to the alley, where she takes off her top to reveal the most gorgeous breast he has ever seen.
    He grabs them and starts fondling them slowly, caressing them, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

    The woman gets annoyed and asks, “Well? Are you going to bite them or not?”



    “Nah,” says the old man, “costs too much…”
     
  7. Doug McDow

    Doug McDow Elio Addict

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    Clyde, Claude, and Bubba were always together walking around town. One night there was a fire in the stable. Next morning they found a charred body, and Bubba was nowhere to be seen. The Coroner asked Clyde to see if he could identify the body. After looking at the body. Clyde asked to have it turned over. Afterwards he said No , that's not Bubba! Then they call Claude in to I D the body. After looking at it, he asked to have the body turned over. They complied and Claude said, that's not Bubba! The Coroner asked how they knew that it wasn't Bubba? They both replied, when the three of us would walk down the street, Someone would say! Here comes Bubba with those two (assholes)
     
    Ty, phonetrbl, Coss and 3 others like this.
  8. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    Two kids are camping, Jim and Earl. Earl had to take a pee and a snake bit him.
    He screams, "I’ve been bitten by a snake!
    Run to a doctor to see what to do!”

    Little Jim runs to a doctor and the doctor says, "You got to suck the venom out and then spit it out."

    Little Jim runs back and he asks, ”Where is the bite?"

    "On my penis," Earl replies. "What did the doctor say?"

    Jim replies, "I'm sorry Earl, but the doctor said you're going to die.”
     
    Ty and Maurtis like this.
  9. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    Dennis is worried about the size of his penis, so he goes to see a doctor.
    The doctor says, “Here take these pills every day for a week.”

    Dennis is so frustrated that the first night he downs the whole bottle.
    A couple of days later, he and his wife go back to see the doctor.
    Dennis says, “Doc, take a look at this.”

    He takes off his pants and he’s got a five foot penis that reaches the floor.
    The doctor says, “Goodness, I’m going to have to operate.”

    His wife says, “How long do you think my husband will be on crutches?”

    The doctor says, “On crutches?”

    She says, “You are going to lengthen his legs, right?"
     
    champsman likes this.
  10. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    A couple on their honeymoon is just about to make love when the girl says, "I have something to admit. I am a little bit flat.”

    She takes off her shirt. He looks at her and says, "I love you just the way you are."
    "I also have a confession. I am kind of built like a baby down below."

    She takes off his pants and she faints.
    When she finally comes too, she says, "I thought you were built like a baby?"

    He replies, “I am, 9lbs and 21 inches.”
     
    Maurtis and gottemfeathers like this.

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