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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )
- Thread starter Keith Dahl
- Start date
Tony goes into a confessional and says, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.”
The priest says, “Is that you, Tony?”
“Yes, Father, it is I.”
“Who was the woman you were with?”
“I cannot tell you, Father, for I do not wish to ruin her reputation.”
“Was it Lisa?”
“No, Father.”
“Was it Lorna?”
“No, Father.”
“Was it Susan?”
“No, Father.”
“Very well, Tony. Go say five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys.”
Tony goes back to his pew and his buddy Tim slides over and asks, “What happened?”
“I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys, and three good leads.”...………….
The priest says, “Is that you, Tony?”
“Yes, Father, it is I.”
“Who was the woman you were with?”
“I cannot tell you, Father, for I do not wish to ruin her reputation.”
“Was it Lisa?”
“No, Father.”
“Was it Lorna?”
“No, Father.”
“Was it Susan?”
“No, Father.”
“Very well, Tony. Go say five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys.”
Tony goes back to his pew and his buddy Tim slides over and asks, “What happened?”
“I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys, and three good leads.”...………….
What is the meaning of embarrassment?
When you run into a wall with a hard on, and you break your nose first.
When you run into a wall with a hard on, and you break your nose first.
A penguin is driving on a real hot day and suddenly his car starts acting up.
He pulls into the first station he sees, and while the mechanic checks the car, he goes to the Ice Cream Parlor across the street.
He gets a big cone, he makes a big mess with his flippers.
There is ice cream all over his face. He walks back across the street to check on his car.
He asks the mechanic, " We'll, what does it look like?"
The Mechanic replies, " It looks like you have blown a seal."
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Penguin says, " Oh No! Its ice cream, REALLY!"...……
…………………….
He pulls into the first station he sees, and while the mechanic checks the car, he goes to the Ice Cream Parlor across the street.
He gets a big cone, he makes a big mess with his flippers.
There is ice cream all over his face. He walks back across the street to check on his car.
He asks the mechanic, " We'll, what does it look like?"
The Mechanic replies, " It looks like you have blown a seal."
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Penguin says, " Oh No! Its ice cream, REALLY!"...……
…………………….
Johnny Acree
Elio Addict
- Joined
- May 12, 2014
- Messages
- 1,529
- Reaction score
- 2,573
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'
Happy Mental Health Day! You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend.. I've done my part', Life is short, drink the good wine first'
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'
Happy Mental Health Day! You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend.. I've done my part', Life is short, drink the good wine first'
If you think life is bad now, how would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once.
You get eaten once.
It takes four minutes to get hard, only two minutes to get soft.
You share your box with 11 other guys, but worst of all...
The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mom!
So cheer up, your life isn't that bad!
You get eaten once.
It takes four minutes to get hard, only two minutes to get soft.
You share your box with 11 other guys, but worst of all...
The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mom!
So cheer up, your life isn't that bad!
hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
Why Sharks Circle:
Great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did. "Now we eat everybody."
And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?
Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!"
No need to thank me. I just try to learn something new everyday.
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Great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did. "Now we eat everybody."
And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?
Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!"
No need to thank me. I just try to learn something new everyday.
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gottemfeathers
Elio Addict
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over and two said he was still there.
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over and two said he was still there.
Ty
Elio Addict
Walking through the park last night, I thought It'd be funny to flash the three older ladies who sit on the bench every night. I pulled my shirt over my head so they couldn't see but I could just barely see through the shirt. Then, I walked up and flashed them. One of the ladies had a stroke. The other two couldn't quite reach it.
hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
Leave it to the Swabos!
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