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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Keith Dahl, Sep 20, 2014.

  1. JK

    JK Elio Addict

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    A toothless termite goes into a bar and asks "Where's the bartender?"
     
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  2. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    A blonde came home from school one day and said to her mom, ''I can count higher than all the kids in my second grade class"
    "Do you think it is because I am a blonde?''

    Her mother replied, ''Of course it is, dear.''

    The next day, the blonde said, ''I can say the alphabet higher than anyone in my class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?''

    Her mother replied, ''Of course it is dear!''

    The next day the blonde came home from her gymnastics and asked her mother, ''I have a larger chest than all the kids in my class, do you think it's because I am a blonde?''
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    Her mother replied, ''No dear, I think it is because you are eighteen years old."
     
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  3. Ty

    Ty Elio Addict

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    How do you tell an alligator from a crocodile?



    One, you'll see later. The other, after a while.
     
  4. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?

    Dentist: $90.00.

    Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???

    Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like. ……………………..:drum:
     
  5. hawg_ryder

    hawg_ryder Elio Addict

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    Peppermint Pills.jpg
    I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

    The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... but they kind of taste like peppermint.:rolleyes::p:D

    :cool:_hr
     
  6. hawg_ryder

    hawg_ryder Elio Addict

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    Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small Beretta Pistol
    Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.
    Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small 22 cal Beretta Pistol:
    This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
    What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

    Here's her story in her own words:
    "While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta .22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!

    Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus!”

    :cool:_hr
     
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  7. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    A woman went in for a physical the other day.
    The doctor asked her to disrobe.
    When she did the doctor noticed she had a big red "H" on her chest.

    The doctor said, "That's strange.
    How did you get the red 'H' on your chest?"

    The woman replied, "My husband went to Harvard and beloved the school so much he never takes his block sweater off... even when we make love."


    Several days later another woman came into the doctor's office for a physical.
    The doctor went through the same routine.
    After she disrobed, the doctor noticed she had a big "M" on her chest.
    Not wanting to appear stupid, the doctor said, "Your boyfriend must have gone to Michigan?"


    The woman responded, "I don't know what you are talking about, but my girlfriend went to Wisconsin."
     
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  8. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    An elderly man visits a doctor for a checkup.
    "Mr. Smith, you're in great shape," the doctor tells him when the exam is over.
    "How do you do it?"

    "Well," says the patient, "I don't drink, I don't smoke and the Good Lord looks out for me!"
    "For weeks now, every time I go the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns on the light for me."

    Concerned the doctor heads out to the waiting room, approaches Mrs. Smith and tells her what her husband said.



    "I don't think that's anything to worry about," she says.
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    "And on the bright side, it DOES explain who’s' been peeing in the fridge." ………………………..:drum:
     
  9. hawg_ryder

    hawg_ryder Elio Addict

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    IS SEX WORK?


    A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
    He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
    A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
    A Captain said it was 50-50%.
    A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
    There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
    Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
    The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
    "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
    The room fell silent.

    God Bless the enlisted man.;)

    :cool:_hr
     
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  10. hawg_ryder

    hawg_ryder Elio Addict

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