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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Keith Dahl, Sep 20, 2014.

  1. Travelbuzz1

    Travelbuzz1 Elio Addict

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    underware.jpg
     
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  2. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    Two gophers are sitting on one side of the street, wondering what it is like across the way.
    So one gopher decides to dig a tunnel under the street to get to the other side.

    Once he gets there he decides to pop his head out of the tunnel. Just as he does this, a woman gets out of her car and starts to pee over the hole.
    The gopher goes back to the other side of the street and his friend asks him what he saw.

    He says, “All I know is, it rains so much over there that the birds build their nests upside down.”
     
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  3. hawg_ryder

    hawg_ryder Elio Addict

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    Aging Rosie O'Donnel.jpg Bwaahaaaaa:D

    :cool:_hr
     
  4. hawg_ryder

    hawg_ryder Elio Addict

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    voltage tester.jpg
    Only a few more shopping days left! ;):D


    :cool:_hr
     
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  5. Mel

    Mel Elio Addict

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    For that quick warm up when you come in out of the cold!
     
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  6. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    A man comes to dinner at a new friend's house. While they eat, the friend's small son keeps staring at the guest.
    Finally, the guest says, "Why are you staring at me like that, young fellow?"

    The kid says, "Daddy told me you were a self-made man."

    "I am."

    "Well, why did you make yourself like that?"
     
    Maurtis and hawg_ryder like this.
  7. champsman

    champsman Elio Addict

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    A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.
    The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as
    they had a lot to do, she called him on her mobile phone.

    The wife said, " Where are you? You know we have lots to do."
    He said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about 10
    years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace?
    I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I
    would get it for you?"
    Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
    choked up…
    "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.

    “Well, I am in the sporting shop next door to that."
     
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  8. champsman

    champsman Elio Addict

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    After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.

    One child wrote the following:

    We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

    They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

    They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
    They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
    There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.


    At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!

    Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds.
    Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.
    The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

    My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.
    When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.
    Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
     
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  9. champsman

    champsman Elio Addict

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    Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

    The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

    Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

    Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."

    Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

    The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

    Jack took the money.

    [​IMG]
     
  10. hawg_ryder

    hawg_ryder Elio Addict

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    Tough Call...
    A man went to the Harbourview Medical Center in Vancouver to have his wedding ring cut off of his penis.
    According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket.
    She didn't know he was married and she was so mad, she used Vaseline to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.
    I don't know what's worse :

    1. Having your girlfriend find out you're married.

    2. Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis....OR...

    3. Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.


    .......Tough call. You decide.
     
    W. WIllie likes this.

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