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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Keith Dahl, Sep 20, 2014.

  1. hawg_ryder

    hawg_ryder Elio Addict

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    Senility-Prayer.jpg :p

    :cool:_hr
     
    Jelio, Coss and Maurtis like this.
  2. hawg_ryder

    hawg_ryder Elio Addict

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  3. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    The male teacher in a girls' school asked the science class, "Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?"

    Mary blushed furiously as she stood up. She said, "Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal."

    The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary's reaction. Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer. Lily put up her hand. "Yes, Lily?"

    "Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye."

    "Very good. Thanks, Lily," said the male teacher. He then turned to the first girl, who had threatened to complain to her parents and principal. He said, "Well, Mary, I have three things to tell you. First, you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And third, I fear, one day, you are going to be sadly disappointed."
     
  4. hawg_ryder

    hawg_ryder Elio Addict

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    Politically correct? Not so much... but its funneeee!:D


    MAIN EVENTS IN HISTORY

    The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
    beer and the invention of the wheel.

    Beer required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.

    Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while
    our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented,
    they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were
    formed.

    The wheel was invented to get man to the beer and vice versa. These
    two were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the
    catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

    1. Liberals.
    2. Conservatives.

    Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night
    while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known
    as the Conservative movement.

    Other men who were less skilled at hunting (called 'vegetarians' which
    was an early human word meaning 'bad hunter') learned to live off the
    Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the
    sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the
    liberal movement.

    Some of these liberal men evolved into women. Others became known as
    girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the
    domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and
    the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and
    beer that Conservatives provided.

    Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
    most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are
    symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

    Modern Liberals like lite beer (with lime added), but most prefer
    white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like
    their beef well done Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal
    fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: many liberal women
    have higher testosterone levels than their men.

    Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys,
    journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists and community
    organizers are liberals. Liberals meddled in our national pastime and
    invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the
    pitcher also bat.

    Conservatives drink real beer They eat red meat and still provide for
    their women. Conservatives are members of the military, big game
    hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen,
    medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives,
    athletes, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively.
    Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to
    work for a living.

    Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers
    and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans
    are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals
    remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They
    crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of
    trying to get more for nothing.

    Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a
    liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post.

    A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute
    truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to other true
    believers and to just piss-off more liberals.

    And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self, I'm
    going to grab a few beers and grill some steak.



    :cool:_hr
     
  5. hawg_ryder

    hawg_ryder Elio Addict

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  6. hawg_ryder

    hawg_ryder Elio Addict

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    In case you don't recognize him... A much younger Ron White...
     
  7. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    Two kids are in hospital, in surgical gowns, sitting on their gurneys. “What are you here for?” asked the first child.

    “I’m here to get my tonsils removed,” says the second child.

    “Don’t worry,” the first child says. “I had my tonsils removed last year and you get all the ice cream you want!”

    The second child asks the first child, “What are you’re here for?”

    “I’m here for a circumcision,” says the first child.

    “Oh my God,” says the second child. “I had that done when I was born, I did not walk for a year!
     
  8. JK

    JK Elio Addict

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    Wishing to impress the pretty coed who had only reluctantly agreed to a date, the middle-aged professor took her for a spin in his Porsche. The aging hot rodder burned rubber at lights, took corners on two wheels, performed figure eights, spin-outs and doughnuts - finally screeching to a halt in front of his apartment house.
    "Whew," the student gasped after she'd caught her breath, "I'll bet you're hard on tires."
    "I'll bet it doesn't," the professor said, grinning.
     
  9. Jelio

    Jelio Elio Addict

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    OK If your gonna make me have to think it through....then you have to wait for a "like"!
     
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  10. hawg_ryder

    hawg_ryder Elio Addict

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