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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Keith Dahl, Sep 20, 2014.

  1. Travelbuzz1

    Travelbuzz1 Elio Addict

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    bill.png
     
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  2. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    During class, a teacher was trying to teach good manners.
    The teacher asks the students, "Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

    "Just a minute, I have to go piss."

    "That would be rude and impolite. What about you John, how would you say it?"

    "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

    "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table.
    And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

    "I would say, 'Darling, please excuse me for a moment.
    I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."
     
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  3. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

    "Thank you very much for the tip, sir."

    The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.
    They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
    They swore at Billy Bob and left.

    The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

    "Yeah!"

    "Did they chop your firewood?"

    "Yep."

    "Happy Birthday, Buddy!"
     
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  4. hawg_ryder

    hawg_ryder Elio Addict

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    bear motivation.png ;)


    :cool:_hr
     
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  5. hawg_ryder

    hawg_ryder Elio Addict

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    cop dogs.png :D:p



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  6. hawg_ryder

    hawg_ryder Elio Addict

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    check engine light2.png :p:D


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  7. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years.
    He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice, picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc.
    The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

    One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
    As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

    He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
    One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

    The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked.

    I'm here to feed the alligator."

    Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.
     
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  8. hawg_ryder

    hawg_ryder Elio Addict

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    alcohol.png :p


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  9. hawg_ryder

    hawg_ryder Elio Addict

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    Folks,
    Now, down here in Texas when we BBQ we don't mess around! ;)

    bbq lamb pig cow.png :D

    I'm sort of a Vegan by proxy... Cows eat grass... I eat cows!


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  10. hawg_ryder

    hawg_ryder Elio Addict

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    On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.

    The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned 'This is a powerful medicine.


    You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."

    The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

    "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the following year."

    He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

    When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

    His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

    And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
    :rolleyes:


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