hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
There's another one about a northerner coming to Texas and participates as a judge in a chili contest... It will make you laugh til u cry... I'll see if I have it somewhere...
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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )
- Thread starter Keith Dahl
- Start date
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hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
Note: Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .
Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy
and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
*****************************************************
CHILI # 1 - MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI…
Judge # 1—A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank)—Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN ‘S AFTERBURNER CHILI…
Judge # 1—Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2—Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3—Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 3 - FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI…
Judge # 1—Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2—A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3—Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC…
Judge # 1—Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2—Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3—I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
*****************************************************
CHILI # 5 LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER…
Judge # 1—Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable ! kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2—Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3—My ! ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.
************************** ***************************
CHILI # 6 - VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY…
Judge # 1—Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2—The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3—My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snowcone.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI…
Judge # 1—A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2—Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3—You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI…
Judge # 1—The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2—This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he’d have
reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
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Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy
and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
*****************************************************
CHILI # 1 - MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI…
Judge # 1—A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank)—Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN ‘S AFTERBURNER CHILI…
Judge # 1—Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2—Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3—Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 3 - FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI…
Judge # 1—Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2—A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3—Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC…
Judge # 1—Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2—Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3—I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
*****************************************************
CHILI # 5 LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER…
Judge # 1—Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable ! kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2—Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3—My ! ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.
************************** ***************************
CHILI # 6 - VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY…
Judge # 1—Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2—The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3—My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snowcone.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI…
Judge # 1—A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2—Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3—You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI…
Judge # 1—The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2—This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he’d have
reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
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Oh that was good, I was laughing so hard, my wife came in here asking what was so funny, I let her read it and she was in hysteric's.
Excellent hawg-ryder . A two for one killer. Hat's off to you.
Excellent hawg-ryder . A two for one killer. Hat's off to you.
hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
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hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
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hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
got that dun!
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Johnny Acree
Elio Addict
- Joined
- May 12, 2014
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How to give a cat a pill.
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process.
3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
8. Tie the little angel's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table. 10. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process.
3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
8. Tie the little angel's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table. 10. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters
hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
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The high priced lawyer was sitting in his office when his secretary announced the arrival of a new client, who turned out to be a very sexy young mother.
“I want to divorce my husband,” said the woman.
“On what grounds?” asked the lawyer.
“Infidelity,” she replied. “I don’t think my husband has been faithful to me.”
“What makes you think that?”
“Well,” she said, “ I don’t think he is the father of my son.”
“I want to divorce my husband,” said the woman.
“On what grounds?” asked the lawyer.
“Infidelity,” she replied. “I don’t think my husband has been faithful to me.”
“What makes you think that?”
“Well,” she said, “ I don’t think he is the father of my son.”
We were not particularly surprised to learn recently that Democrats generally have more children than Republicans.
After all, who ever heard of anyone enjoying a good piece of elephant?
After all, who ever heard of anyone enjoying a good piece of elephant?