Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.

Now when I talk, I have this weird axe scent. ................................................

 

[Coss]

What is the sole purpose of a middle name?

So a child can tell when they're really in trouble! ................................................

 

[Coss]

Man: "Is there any way I can make sure I live a long life?"

Doctor: "Get married."

Man: "Will it help?"

Dr: "No, but you'll stop wanting to live a long life." .........................................................

 

[hawg_ryder]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi nodded and responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
After a long pause, the priest then asked, "Well, have you ever eaten pork?"
The rabbi hesitated and then quietly replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and I tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A little while later, the rabbi stretched and then turned to the priest with, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest smiled slightly and answered, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silently thinking.
Finally, the rabbi looked over at the priest and said, "Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"



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[hawg_ryder]

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[hawg_ryder]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway. “Oh my God – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!” “I can’t jump out the window, It’s raining out there!” “If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied. “He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!” So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. “Do you always run in the nude?” one asked. “Oh yes!” he replied, gasping for air. “It feels so wonderfully free!” Another runner moved alongside him. “Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?” “Oh, yes” our friend answered breathlessly. “That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!” Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, * * * * * * * * * * “Do you always wear a condom when you run?” “Nope……… just when it’s raining”...


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[hawg_ryder]

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[Coss]

That was good (x) If I wasn't so busy marking these damn (x) X's everywhere I'd have to join in (x)
HAHAHAHA (X X X X X X X X X X )

 

[Coss]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says,
"Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.
You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it." ..........................................................................

 

[Coss]

A 5-years-old was visiting his grandmother. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting.
He looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The religious programs make me fell good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

When grandma turned on the TV, the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah she’s in the bedroom banging her boyfriend"

The minister fainted. ....................................................................................................................