hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
Oh yeah!
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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )
- Thread starter Keith Dahl
- Start date
A man dies and goes to hell. The devil explains that there are three sectors in hell, and that the man gets to choose where he would like to spend eternity. First, the man sees many people standing on their heads in fire. Their screams convince him that he does not want to be there.
Second, the man sees many people standing on their heads in ice. Their pleading eyes convince him that his cold nature could not stay there.
Third, the man sees many people standing around ankle deep in horse manure and drinking coffee.
He tells the devil that he could adjust to the smell and that he liked coffee. So the man chose the third sector for eternity.
As the door slammed shut, the man heard an announcement, "Coffee break is over, everybody stand on your head!" .......................
Second, the man sees many people standing on their heads in ice. Their pleading eyes convince him that his cold nature could not stay there.
Third, the man sees many people standing around ankle deep in horse manure and drinking coffee.
He tells the devil that he could adjust to the smell and that he liked coffee. So the man chose the third sector for eternity.
As the door slammed shut, the man heard an announcement, "Coffee break is over, everybody stand on your head!" ..............
.........
The old farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge to the pigpen when his wife longingly recalled that the next week would be their golden wedding anniversary.
“Let’s have a party, Joe,” she said. “Let’s kill the pig.”
Joe scratched his head. “Gee, Philomena,” he finally said, “I don’t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.”
“Let’s have a party, Joe,” she said. “Let’s kill the pig.”
Joe scratched his head. “Gee, Philomena,” he finally said, “I don’t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.”
hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
I hope everyone had a great New Year... and ate lots of black eye peas... we need all the help we can get!
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hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
Yup! That sounds about right to me...
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There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway. "What condition does he have?" the student asks.
"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma."
The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.
"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"
"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan." ..........................
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"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma."
The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.
"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"
"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan." ..........................
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This one is short but good....
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Asked to describe his ex wife, my friend said...
"On a camping trip she was bit by a snake... the snake died." ...........................................................................................
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Asked to describe his ex wife, my friend said...
"On a camping trip she was bit by a snake... the snake died." .........................................
..................................................
hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
And then there is this:
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.
Confucius says it takes many nails to build crib…
But only one screw to fill it. ......................................
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But only one screw to fill it. ......................................
..............................................................................Confucius says it takes many nails to build crib…
But only one screw to fill it. ......................................
Confucius also says: "a crowded elevator smells different to midget"