Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

A young major was apprehended, completely nude, while chasing a woman though the lobby of a large hotel.
However, his lawyer soon had him freed on a technicality.

The Army manual specifically states that an officer need not be in uniform, provided he is properly attired for the sport in which he is engaged.

 

[Coss]

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?

Dentist: $90.00.

Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???

Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.

 

[hawg_ryder]

Dedication!

_hr

 

[Coss]

"My God! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit. And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight."..............................................

 

[hawg_ryder]

"My God! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit. And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight."..............................................

 

[hawg_ryder]

_hr

 

[ehwatt]

View attachment 24732


_hr

Back in the day, I WAS that bear.

 

[Coss]

Three guys are buying underwear at a store. The first guy goes up to the clerk. "How many pairs ya need?" the clerk says.

"Three," the first guy says. "One for wearing, one for washing, and one for special occasions."

The second guy goes up to the clerk. "How many ya need?" asks the clerk.

"Seven. One for Sunday, One for Monday, you know."

"Good reason."

The third guy thinks to himself, "Hmmm, I like getting attention, maybe I should think of something like that."

"How many do ya need," the clerk says.

"Twelve."

"TWELVE?"

"Yeah, one for January, one for February..."

 

[Coss]

Heaven is when you have barrels of beer and tons of girls.

Hell is when you find out that the barrels have holes and the girls don't!...........................

 

[Coss]

A British pilot during W.W.II was shot down over Germany. In the hospital, he was told that his left leg had to be amputated.
He asked for it to be parachuted down over England. This was done.

A week later, his right leg had to go, and he asked for the same thing to be done.
A week later his left arm had the same fate. A short time later, when his right arm was about to be taken off,
he asked for the arm to be dropped over England like the other limbs.

He met with a refusal by the German doctor.

The answer he received was, "No! We think that you are trying to escape.".......................................................