Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

Many a person would ask what is a man's perfect breakfast. This is when an English breakfast is set before him with fresh orange juice.

On his right is the Vogue and his daughter is smiling happily on front. On his left his very successful son on the Time's cover.

Then when he opens the middle page of the Playboy, he finds his girlfriend on it, and while he throws some more milk in to his coffee, he sees his wife's face on the carton..........................................................................

 

[Coss]

This young man walks into a bar that he's never been to before. He goes up to the bartender to order his drink. While he waits he notices three holes in the bar. When the bartender returns with his drink, he asks what they're for?

She says, "Oh, if you stick your dick in there you can get a free blow job." He nods and sticks his dick into the first hole.

"Mmm," he groans, "that’s nice" before he moves to the second hole. "Awww, that’s even better," he moans. Finally he sticks his dick in the third and final hole... "Oh yeah, that’s the best!"

After he finishes, once he gets his pants up, he walks over to the bartender and asks who’s under there.

"Well," she says, "the first is a blonde, the second is a brunette, and the third is an elderly man with no teeth.".............

 

[Coss]

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big pussy." ...............................................

 

[Coss]

After stopping his car on a deserted section of town, the young man turned to his date and made some rather expected advances.

“Just a minute,” the girl said, pushing him away. “I’m really a prostitute and I have to charge you fifty dollars.” After he unwillingly paid her, they made love. Later, the man sat silently at the wheel. “Aren’t we leaving?” the girl asked.

“Not quite yet,” the young man said. “I’m really a cabdriver and the fare back is fifty dollars." ..................................................

 

[Coss]

Two drunk guys are standing at the bar getting their acts together near closing time.
“I’ve got an idea,” says one. “Let’s have one more drink and then go and find us some girls.”

“NO,” replies the other one with a wink. “I’ve got more than I can handle at home.”

“Great. Then let’s have one more for the road and go up to your place.”

 

[Coss]

Two women are having lunch together, discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job."

The second woman says, "Oh that’s nothing, I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached."

The first woman replies, "Funny, I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde." ...................................

 

[Coss]

Two housewives met in the local supermarket. One had filled her shopping cart with Vaseline.
She explained, “They are going to raise the price so, I’m stocking up.”

The other woman replied, “I’d never go to such extremes to save money. I’m not that tight.”................................

 

[hawg_ryder]

_hr

 

[hawg_ryder]

THE OUTHOUSE
My wife asked me, rather sternly
To fix the outhouse.
Didn’t know it was broke,
I use it everyday.
Go fix that outhouse
My wife’s voice was quite stern
So I headed out back
To see exactly what was was her concern.
I looked it over,
I even got a ladder,
Seeing nothin' really wrong
I just rehung the door using new saddle
Leather.
Next morning, same thing,
Go fix that outhouse.
Again I looked it over good,
Seeing nothing wrong I set a trap
In case of a mouse.
Then I rolled up a paper
And burned a wasp nest,
Swept the floor real good
To clean up my mess.
I painted ‘er up good,
I hung up a good moon,
Hung up a new Sears catalogue
Doing all I could to improve her mood.
Next morning same thing,
Marching me out in the yard,
I figured I had fixed it up good
Thought I was trying real hard.
But one more chore remained,
I stuck my head through the hole for
a look within,
I suddenly found a little crack in the
seat
When it caught a whisker on my chin.
I jerked back in pain
my attention it did get,
My wife just looked at me and grinned,
She said it hurts, don’t it.



_hr

 

[hawg_ryder]

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'



_hr