Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[champsman]

INVESTING IN ART...


The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: "I have some good news, and I have some bad news.

The tycoon replies: "I’ve had an awful day, let's hear the good news first.

The lawyer says: “Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 million.”

The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done, very good news indeed! You've just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”

The lawyer answers: "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

 

[Coss]

Wife in labor
A guy calls 911. “Help, send an ambulance! My wife is in labor and her water broke!
The 911 operator asks, “Is this her first child?”


“No, you moron” yells the guy. “This is her husband!”

 

[NSTG8R]

AN AMISH LADY DRIVER IS PULLED OVER...
"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you
that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be
dangerous."
"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair
it as soon as I return home."
"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is
wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty
to animals so you should have your husband check that
too."
"Again
I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home."
True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband
about the broken reflector. He said he would put a new one on
immediately.
"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong
with the emergency brake."

 

[Coss]

Caution!

The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone area.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.


<rimshot>

 

[ehwatt]

you are killing me Coss.

 

[Coss]

you are killing me Coss.

<bow> Thank you Thank you, I'll be here all week ..... Try the veal !

If you have ever been to a hotel bar/club that has weekly entertainment you'll understand the line.

 

[Coss]

you are killing me Coss.

Hey ehwatt have another:

In the Line of Duty

One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.

She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.

She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."

He replies "BREASTS."

He was quickly arrested!

 

[JEBar]

If Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner goes missing,will they put his/her picture on a carton of Half & Half?

 

[DWR]

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.

Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

 

[azurehenfruit]

What makes the sounds:
Clip-Clop-Clip-Clop-BANG-BANG-Clip-Clop-Clip-Clop-?





An Amish drive-by shooting.