Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

What a Deal

At a carpet store a very well dress woman bent over and touched a Persian rug and she farted.

When she gets up she notices that there is a salesman standing behind her.

She then asks the salesman, “How much is this rug?”

The salesman replies, “Well, lady… if you farted just touching it, you’re gonna crap when you hear the price.”

 

[Coss]

Joe Schmo

A bunch of guys were sitting around the break room talking about sex and women of course and in comes Joe Schmo.

One guy says to the other guys, "Man I just don’t understand it. That guy Joe is just an average ordinary looking guy who doesn’t have a lot of money and he gets all the women he wants with the snap of his fingers."

"What the hell does he got that I haven't got?” And this other guy who is an old timer and has been around awhile looks at the guy and says, "Son let me ask you a question. When you go to the bathroom and you get done whizzing, do you shake your penis with your hand to get off the excess urine?"

And the other guy is kind of puzzled but he says "Well yeah. Of course I do."

"But what does that have to do with Joe getting all the women?"

The old timer looks him in the eye and says "Well son, Ol' Joe over there when he gets done taking a piss, he doesn't shake it, He Kicks It!"

 

[champsman]

[Broken External Image]A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a “Y” in the road where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

He said, “Hello.”


[Broken External Image]'Hi,' replied the little girl.

'Where are you going?' asked the little boy.

'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way to my aunties,' answered the little girl.

'I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy.

'I go to the Catholic church down the road,' replied the little girl. 'What about you? '

[Broken External Image]

'I go to the Protestant church back at the top of the hill,' replied the little boy.


They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.


They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.


'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,' said the little girl.


'My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my best Sunday suit wet,' replied the little boy.


'I'll tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm gonna take off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.'


'That's a good idea,'replied the little boy. 'I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.'

[Broken External Image]So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked:

[Broken External Image]
'You know, I never realized before just how much

Difference there really is between a

CATHOLIC and a PROTESTANT !!!'

 

[Coss]

vive la difference

 

[Coss]

Computer Monkeys

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a consultant."

 

[champsman]

[Broken External Image]

 

[Coss]

[Broken External Image]

OOOOpppppp upload fail !

 

[Coss]

That's once......

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Jamaica.

Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.

People would say, "What a peaceful and loving couple".

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and went down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, “That’s once."

We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. My wife quietly said, "That's twice.

" We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy? She looked at ME, and quietly said, “That’s once."

"And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after."

 

[DWR]

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"
All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember. The women then were told to take out their cell phones and text to their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."
The women then were instructed to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response to their message.
Below are 12 replies; some are hilarious. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love....who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?
1. Who the **** is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the **** did you do now?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
Brings a tug to the heart strings, doesn't it?

 

[Coss]

Let's see, I would have used 1, 3 or 5 with current wife
1, 3, 9 with wife #3
1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 9 but 11 mostly with wife #2
1, 8, 12 with wife #1