Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

It's been a week since the last joke? Okay, I've got 4 girls. The oldest is out on her own but the other three still allow me to flex my Daddy puns and jokes. The 7 year old doesn't stand a chance. Okay, just a minute ago, after talking to them, this joke came into my head and I'm pretty sure it's original though your smiles may vary.

Bob and Bill decided to build a robot. They met every Saturday and never planned anything. They started at the feet because, well, gravity and they needed it to support itself. The feet looked great. The next week, the legs went great. This went on for several weeks where they just met and built without planning. Everything just worked great. They built a great neck. They met for one last weekend to build the head and when they were done, it was grotesque. And then it ate them both. The moral? You should always plan a head.
(The groan button will just make me smile really big.)

Something new; a 1 to 5 scale with an offset

 

[Coss]

OK since we're going for groaners. Here's one that I pull on my daughter and have or many years.

I have 2 common US coins. Together they total 30 cents. One of them is NOT a nickel. What are the 2 coins?

A quarter and a nickel.

One of them is NOT a nickel but the other one is!

And other's I've "borrowed" over time

 

[ross]

A man who is concerned about his wife cheating on him wants to catch her in the act. He doesn't have enough money to hire a PI, so he goes to a pet shop. There he asks the clerk if he has a parrot for sale. The clerk shows him the last parrot he has: "This is the last parrot I have for sale. He doesn't have any legs, but he is very smart." The man asks, "If he doesn't have any legs, how does he stay on the perch?" "He holds on with his dick." the clerk answered. The man asks " How much?" "Since he doesn't have any legs, I'll sell him to you for fifty bucks."
The suspicious man purchases the talking bird and takes him home. He sets up the cage in his bedroom where he can see everything; he then instructs the parrot to watch what ever goes on in the room and inform him when he gets home from work.
So the next morning he leaves for work and his wife stays home, as usual. When the man gets home from work, as his wife is cooking supper, he asks the parrot to tell him what went on during the day. The parrot begins, "At eight o'clock this morning the mailman came...."Interrupting the man asks, "Yeah and what happened?" [parrot] “he came in the house..." Furiously, the man asked "And then" [parrot] "...and then he came into the bedroom..." Astounded the man impatiently asks, "What happened next?"
[parrot] "He began to take off his clothes and she hers..." "What happened after that!"
The parrot then replied, "I don't know I sprung a boner and fell off!"

A guy buys a parrot, gets it home and it cusses like a sailor, he takes it back to the pet store and tells the owner 'this is the most foul mouthed bird I've ever heard in my life. How do I keep it from cussing?' the pet store owner says 'every time it says a bad word pluck a feather out of it's head' He goes home and the parrot says a bad word so he plucks a feather out of it's head 'son of a bitch' plucks another 'God damn' He calls a world renowned parrot breeder and says 'I've got a fouled mouthed parrot how do I keep it from cussing?' Breeder tells him every time the bird cusses pluck a feather out of his head, he says I've tried that and the parrot has a bald spot. The breeder says the only other thing you can do is wait until he goes off and put him in the freezer, remember he is a tropical bird and can't stand cold temperatures so don't leave him in there very long, just enough till he calms down. The guy goes home and the parrot says a bad word he plucks a feather out of his head 'Son of a bitch' plucks another 'God damn' so he puts the bird in the freezer and listens to the bird go off 'God damn Son of a bitch it's cold in here'. All of a sudden it goes quiet and he opens the freezer and the parrot says 'What the fuck did that chicken say?'

 

[ross]

Two Pollocks buy a mule, they bring it into the barn the first night and the mules ears hit the top of the barn door, the mule locks up, ain't moving another step, they discuss the situation and decide to cut the top of the barn door out to let him in, they've got a hand saw out and are hacking away at the top of the barn when a neighbor comes by and asks them what they are doing and they explain they just bought a mule and his ears hit the top of the barn door. The neighbor says 'Why don't you dig out under the barn door and let the mule drop down and go under the door?' They say they will think about it and wait until the neighbor leaves and one Pollock turns to the other and says 'that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard, his legs ain't too long his ears are.'

 

[Mel]

Pollock goes to buy a mule. Farmer explains that sometimes this mule goes cross-eyed and starts plowing crookedly. "When this happens, just stick this piece of hose up his rearend and blow real hard. His eyes will straighten out and everything is fine." The farmer demonstrates the procedure. A few minutes later it happens again and the farmer hands the hose to the pollock and says, "You try it." The Pollock takes the hose and turns it around before sticking it in the mule. The farmers says, "Why did you do that?" "Well I'm certainly not going to stick the same end in my mouth that you had in yours?"

 

[BrianRosenthal]

What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of it's paws, and
a comma is the pause at the end of a clause!

(Best read out loud.)

 

[Coss]

What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of it's paws, and
a comma is the pause at the end of a clause!

(Best read out loud.)

Did that, it still

 

[ross]

What's the difference between pussy and parsley?



I don't eat parsley.

 

[ross]

What did Davey Crocket say when he looked over the wall of the Alamo and say all of those Mexicans gathered out front?



Damn it I didn't know we were pouring concrete today.

 

[ross]

What do a Mexican and a cue ball have in common?



The harder you hit them the more English you get out of them.