Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Ekh]

After his aircraft was hit and he was forced to eject, the Marine fighter pilot regained consciousness in hospital. He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and in a lot of pain. A nurse hovered over him looking worried. Clearly, he was in a life-threatening situation.


The nurse gave him a serious look straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Marine, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: "You… may… not… feel… anything… from… the… waist… down."


Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"



….And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude.

 

[Ty]

Bob was driving along when a Semi Truck jumped the median and sideswiped him. Unfortunately, he lost his left leg and arm as well as his left ear. Don't feel bad for him. He's all right.

 

[xtspode]

Bob was driving along when a Semi Truck jumped the median and sideswiped him. Unfortunately, he lost his left leg and arm as well as his left ear. Don't feel bad for him. He's all right.

Where is the groan button when you need it?

 

[Coss]

You have to turn on the switch first.

Then it follows

People were leaving it on all the time

 

[Ty]

Come on, now. That's a classic right there. (see what I did there?)

 

[RUCRAYZE]

so, this guy is serving a 25-year sentence, and looks at the ceiling and sees an ant.
He spends 3 yrs training the ant to roll over
10 years to stand on it's hind legs,
and the rest of his time to teach it a forward roll.
He dreams of the $ he could earn and upon his release goes to the first bar he finds, orders a beer, and takes the ant and puts it on the bar, and calls the barkeep over.
He says "look at this ant",
and without hesitation, the keeper slams his fist on it.
Best joke ever!!

 

[Ty]

While in the outback, Bob sees an elephant stuck in a trap. He goes over to it and carefully releases it. The elephant, looks at him and wraps his trunk around him in a gentle hug. Now, elephants don't forget. 20 years later, Bob is at a nature preserve and he looks out at one of the elephants there. It looks him in the eye so Bob goes out there knowing that he so touched that elephant's life that it still remembers him. He slowly approaches and the elephant keeps looking him in the eye, wraps its trunk around him and beats him to death against a rock. Different elephant.

 

[Uncle Charlie]

An old farmer and his wife went to the county fair. There, they met a young man selling airplane rides in an early biplane for $20. The farmer approached the young man and said, "Twenty dollars is way too much for a ride in that bucket of bolts!" The young man replied, "Sir, I'll take you and your wife for a ride for free if you agree to say nothing during the ride. So much as a peep from either of you, and you'll owe me the full forty dollars." "Deal!" the old man replied. The went for the ride, barrel rolls and all. The young man didn't hold anything back. When they landed, the young pilot said, "Sir, I'm impressed. You didn't say a word, so you don't owe me anything." The old man kicked at the dirt for a bit, and replied, "Yeah, I almost said something when my wife fell out."

 

[RUCRAYZE]

An old farmer and his wife went to the county fair. There, they met a young man selling airplane rides in an early biplane for $20. The farmer approached the young man and said, "Twenty dollars is way too much for a ride in that bucket of bolts!" The young man replied, "Sir, I'll take you and your wife for a ride for free if you agree to say nothing during the ride. So much as a peep from either of you, and you'll owe me the full forty dollars." "Deal!" the old man replied. The went for the ride, barrel rolls and all. The young man didn't hold anything back. When they landed, the young pilot said, "Sir, I'm impressed. You didn't say a word, so you don't owe me anything." The old man kicked at the dirt for a bit, and replied, "Yeah, I almost said something when my wife fell out."

welcome to a great place for Elio, and as you've demonstrated humor-
keep 'em coming

 

[Uncle Charlie]

Supposedly Ronald Reagan's favorite joke....

A russian woman called an electrician about fixing a bad light switch. The electrician said he could be there in two years. The woman asked if he would be there in the morning or afternoon. The electrician was confused why it mattered if it would be morning or afternoon. She explained that the plumber was coming in the morning.