Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

When couples get older, sometimes they need to something different. My wife and I tried S & M. She Sleeps & I Masturbate.

Two kids decided to dress up as a cow for Halloween.
After hours of arguing who was going to be the head and the rear, they decided to flip a coin and the argument was settled.

While crossing a farmer’s field in their costume the boy that was in the rear says, "What's that snort you are making?"

The boy in the front says, "I'm not snorting," and swings his big cow head around and spots this huge bulls racing towards them.
He says, "Don’t panic! But we got a problem behind us coming up fast... It’s a big bull."

After a second or two the kid in the rear says, "What are we going to do?"

The kid in the front replies, "I don't know about you, but I'm going to bend over and eat some grass."

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, ‘where’s Mom and dad?' and she replied, 'they're up in bed ' so the little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play.

Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma 'where's Mom and dad?' and she replied 'they're still up in bed ' and the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play.

Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma 'where's Mom and dad?' and his grandmother replied 'they're still up in bed' and the little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked 'what's wrong?
Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh!
What is going on here?

The little boy replied, 'well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue instead.'

One day a father is walking down the hallway of his house and overhears his daughter praying.
She says, "Lord, please bless my entire family, but most important, please bless my grandfather."
Three weeks later her grandfather dies.

The father walking down the hall at the same time a day later and over hears his daughter praying again.
She says, "Lord, please bless my entire family, but most important, bless my grandmother."
Three weeks later her grandmother dies.

The next night the dad overhears his daughter praying again.
She says, "Lord, please bless my entire family, but most important, bless my father."
So for the next three weeks the father is extremely cautious about everything he does.
He drives slow, walks slow, and even makes unnecessary doctor's appointments.
He comes home on the last day of the three-week period and finds his daughter in the living room.

He asks, "How was your day at school?" "Oh, fine, “She replies.
"Anything interesting happen today? “He asks.

"Yeah, the mailman died."

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own.

The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know.

The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him.

The couple took the new baby home, and there, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.

BrianRosenthal said:

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own.

The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know.

The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him.

The couple took the new baby home, and there, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.

Click to expand...

A man walked into a liquor store with a baseball bat. He demanded, “Give me all of your money”. The clerk replied, “What are you doing”. He said,” I am robbing the store”. Clerk replied, you can’t rob a store with a ball bat”. The robber hit him in the rib cage with the ball bat. “Give me all of the money”. The clerk replied painfully, “Can’t you get a gun? You are really going to hurt someone with that bat”.

That one reminds me of the man who was stopped for running a stop sign. The officer informed him that he did not fully stop.
The man replied, "But I slowed down!" The officer asked him to step out of the car and began beating him over the head.
The man yelled, "STOP, STOP". Then the officer said, "How about if I just slow down?"

A woman walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist, "Sir, do you have cotton balls?"

The pharmacist replies, "Lady, do I look like a teddy bear to you?"

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best.
Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers.
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

I have a great deal of respect for the members of this forum. So much so that I would like to offer members the opportunity to join me in a business venture. I intend to start a trucking company. Now I don't have a CDL and am not a mechanic so my contribution would have to be in the office. I have already started work. I have nearly finished our slogan. I am stuck on the last line though. So far I have:

You call
We haul
Any road
Any load
If we can't truck it
................... And that's where I am stuck. Any suggestions?