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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Keith Dahl, Sep 20, 2014.

  1. Doug McDow

    Doug McDow Elio Addict

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    DF95BB93-D8F3-4FB5-838B-47DD6D81E534.png
     
    CheeseheadEarl, bighammer, Ty and 5 others like this.
  2. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    Good find Doug!!
    I'll give that one a 12 in a 1-10 scale
     
    CheeseheadEarl likes this.
  3. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    Reposted for "Proud to Be"

    Proud to Be here #2225Z in the Elio Nation...

    Chartreuse... in my Reality (A)... it is a shade off of Maroon...I used to be a Art Major, but it did not pay the bills on time...

    In this Reality (B).. it is LIME GREEN...

    (A) Snow White says... Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all

    (B) Snow white says... Magic, Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest one of all

    (A) I loved Jiffy peanut when I was a kid... J-I-F-F-Y peanut butter..

    (B) The peanut butter J-I-F, has never been called Jiffy ever!!!!

    (A) Oscar Meyer

    (B) Oscar Mayer

    (A) Forest Gump... Life is like a box of chocolate (if you look at the VHS box, printed, it says "Life is like a box of chocolate")

    (B) Watch the movie Now... "Life was like a box of chocolate"

    (A) Fruit Loops

    (B) Froot Loops

    (A) Type "O" blood (mine) was good for almost everyone... (not some rare types)

    (B) Type "O- negative" is now good for everyone..

    (A) When I was 18 year old, I was on a tour of the Statue of Liberty and I waited about a 30 minutes to get a chance to climbing into the touch... only 4-5 people at a time... 5 minutes only!... I have even talked about it, with other people who went on the same tour...
    It was real dirty... cigarette butts all over the place... people carved their name in the paint etc....

    (B) Statue of Liberty Touch has been CLOSED to the public for ... 100 years..


    Which REALITY do you remember... (A) or (B)

    This is "now" called... Mandela Effect... so far over... 81 Million people effected...

    Prove me Wrong...

    Proud to Be...#2225Z of the Elio Nation
     
  4. booboo

    booboo Elio Addict

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  5. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    Meanwhile, back at the jokes section:

    A man was searching for a pure wife.
    He dated many ladies and when they went to bed he would show them his penis and ask each, "What is this?"

    Each came back with the standard sexual answer of "love shaft" or "johnson" and he thought each knew too much about sex and rejected every one.

    Finally he found a girl who passed his test.
    He asked what it was and she said, "I'm not sure, I think it's called a wee-wee?"

    Finally, he had found his perfect woman.
    He marries her and on their honey moon he thought he should tell her the sexual term for his penis.

    "Honey," he began, "you should know this is called a cock."
    -
    -
    -
    -
    -
    --

    "Oh no," replied his bride, "I have seen plenty of cocks and believe me that's a wee-wee!"
     
    W. WIllie likes this.
  6. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    Pick-up lines:
    If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

    All those curves, and me with no brakes.

    Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job? No!? Wanna do lunch?

    Are your legs tired? You've been running through my mind all day long.

    Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell I just met the girl of my dreams.

    Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

    A woman asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" Man answers, "Yes, do you have the energy?"

    Can I have directions to your heart?

    Can I have your phone number? I seem to have lost mine.

    Do you want to see something really swell?

    Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.

    Do you have a mirror in your pocket? (Why?) 'Cause I could see myself in your pants.

    I'll cook you dinner if you cook me breakfast.

    Do you want to go out for a pizza and a screw? What, you don't like pizza?

    At the office copy machine "Reproducing eh?" "Can I help?"

    Ask: "Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger?" (No?) Wink.

    Use index finger to call someone over then say) I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand.

    If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there be anything in it for me?

    Excuse me, do you want to screw, or should I apologize?

    Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?

    I think I could fall madly in bed with you.

    Forget that. Playing doctor is for kids. Let's play gynecologist.

    Hey baby, can I tickle your belly from the inside?

    Here's a quarter....call your roommate and tell her you won't be coming home tonight.

    Hey baby, let's go back to my place and get something straight between us.

    I hope you know CPR, cuz you take my breath away!

    Hi, do you know why you should masturbate with these two fingers? Because they're mine.

    How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?

    So... How am I doing?

    I go down on the first date, how about you?

    I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. Would you smile for me?

    I like every bone in your body, especially mine.

    I looked up beautiful in the thesaurus today, and your name was there.

    I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

    I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

    Do you like short love affairs? I hate them. I've got all weekend.

    There are 265 bones in the human body. How would you like one more?

    I think we must make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels.

    I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

    I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wal-Mart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

    I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

    I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?

    I'm like American Express; you don't want to leave home without me.

    I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house?

    If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

    If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

    Excuse me, ma'am, is that dress felt? Would you like it to be?

    If you cut your arms off, you'd look just like Venus de Milo.

    If you were a car, I would wax you and ride you all over town.

    If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

    If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg was Christmas, could I spend some time between the holidays?

    Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.

    Is it hot in here or is it just you?

    Excuse me, miss, do you give head to strangers? No? Well, then, allow me to introduce myself.

    Is your daddy a thief? Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes?

    Just call me milk; I'll do your body good.

    Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.

    Miss, if you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?

    My love for you is like the Energizer bunny with its batteries in backwards: it keeps coming and coming.

    Hi, my name is . That's so you'll know what to scream.

    Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?

    Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.

    Pardon me, but what pickup line works best with you?

    Pull my finger.

    Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw.

    Screw me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?

    Screw me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

    That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.

    That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.

    The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.

    The first time is always the hardest.

    The word of the day is legs. Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

    Want to play carnival? That's where you sit on my face and I try to guess your weight.

    Was your dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons.

    Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?

    You don't want to dance? I guess a screw is out of the question.

    You know what would look good on you? Me.

    I'd really love to screw your brains out, but it appears someone beat me to it.

    Do you wash your panties with Windex? Because I can really see myself in them.

    You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt?

    You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

    You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're the bomb.

    You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

    You must be jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.

    You've got the whitest teeth I've ever come across.

    Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

    Your daddy must have been a baker, because you've got a nice set of buns.
     
  7. Mel

    Mel Elio Addict

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    Continued.........

    I might be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still lick the jar!
     
    Johnny Acree likes this.
  8. Johnny Acree

    Johnny Acree Elio Addict

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    How about I take you home and show you my medicine cabinent!

    My arteries aren't the only things that have hardened.

    Do you know how strong an artificial hip is? (No) me neither but enough to
    break the ice.

    My name is.... I would sink my teeth into dat booty but they might just stay there.

    How about I take you back to my place where we can get into a heated arguement about social security.

    My teeth and I no longer sleep together, but you and I definitely should.

    Getting lucky usually means finding my car in the parking lot, but tonight you can change that.

    My war buddies over there bet I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the room. Wanna buy some drinks with there money?

    How would you like to help me feel like a kid again.

    I might be a retired photographer, but I can still picture us together.

    I'd fake being a blind old man, just to touch you inappropriately.

    You must be a garden, cause I'm digging you.

    After I retired I have spent a lot of time gardening, but now all I can think about is putting your tulips and my tulips (two-lips) together.

    Did I tell you, I'm filthy rich and my mother is dead?

    Just wait until you see the size of my......social security check.

    Baby is your name Cholesterol, because you send my blood pressure skyrocketing!.

    How'd you like to be in my will?

    Your company is so delightful, I'm contemplating putting a new battery in my hearing aid.

    My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah, that's his name.

    Sorry, but I couldn't help but noticing how cute you look in that ankle-length, shapeless, plaid jumper.

    Old Man: "Where have you been all my life?"
    Woman: "For the first half of it, I wasn't even born yet."

    I won't love you for the rest of your life, I'll love you for the rest of mine.

    I'm retired, so you know I have the time to please you.


    Your so sweet, your giving my dentures cavaties.


    Ever done it in a Craftmatic adjustable bed?

    I wrote your name in the sky but the clouds blue it away. I wrote your name in the sand but the waves wash it away. I wrote your name in my heart and forever it will stay.

    Old Man: You make me feel like a newborn baby!
    Woman: Because you have no hair and no teeth?
    Old Man: No, cause I just wet my pants

    source: http://www.jokes4us.com/pickuplines/seniorcitizenpickuplines.html
     
    Coss likes this.
  9. Johnny Acree

    Johnny Acree Elio Addict

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    Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm.

    Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy. After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent.

    In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move.

    Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.

    Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders agree: he will never ascend to the Papacy.

    And who can blame them?

    No one wants a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.
     
    champsman and Rob Croson like this.
  10. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    The history teacher wanted to award some of her students with a prize of going home early on Friday.
    So she said, "Anyone that answers the following questions first with the correct answer gets to go home!"

    The eager students get ready, as they all want to leave early.
    The teacher asks, "Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?"

    Mary raises her hand first and says, "John Kennedy."

    "Correct Mary, you may go home."

    Next she asks, "Who said, 'I have a dream'?"

    Peggy raises her hand and says, "Martin Luther King!"

    "Correct!" says the teacher, "You may go home, Peggy."

    "Damn I wish those bitches had kept their mouths shut,” says Little Johnny.

    "Who said that?” asks the teacher angrily.
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    -

    "Bill Clinton! See you Monday, teach!" answers Johnny going out the door. :drum:

    <Remember to like a joke that you see and like>
     
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