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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

JK

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I found this on one of my Mom's old floppies. Not really a joke but it is entertaining..

CANNON BALLS . . .

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck?

The best storage method devised was a square based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem – how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a “monkey” with 16 round indentations. But if this plate was made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it.

The solution to the rusting problem was to make “brass monkeys.” Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally “Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey!”

(And all this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn’t you?)

edited: BTW, snopes.com says this is not true..
 
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Johnny Acree

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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn't affected me brothers though."
 

JK

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Rodney stopped in the bar on his way home, pulled up a stool and ordered a beer. After finishing his beer, Rodney pulled open his shirt pocket, looked in and ordered another beer. He downed his beer, pulled open his shirt pocket, looked in and ordered another beer. The bartender noticed, but didn't comment. Time and time again Rodney would finish his beer, look in his pocket and reorder.
Finally, the bartender asked, "Why do you pull open your shirt pocket and look in before ordering?"
"I have a picture of my wife in there." explained Rodney. "When she starts looking good, it's time to go home."
 

JK

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A teenage boy was headed to the drive-in movie with his first date, and in the backseat was his hard-nosed dad, acting as chaperone for the horny young couple. As he drove, his girlfriend edged over and snuggled up next to him. The kid quickly dropped one hand from the wheel and moved it stealthily underneath her skirt.
Abruptly, his father leaned forward over the seat and said sternly, "Don't you think you should be using both hands son?"
"Jeez, Dad," the kid replied. "I gotta steer with one of 'em."
 
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Coss

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A construction worker walks into a bar.
He's a rather large, menacing guy.
He orders a beer, chugs it back, and then bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers!"

A sudden silence descends.
After a moment, he asks, "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.
He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on this side of the bar are motherfuckers!"

Once again, the bar is silent.
He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?"

A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.
The construction worker looks the man square in the eye and says, "You got a problem, buddy?"
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"Oh no," insists the man. "I'm just on the wrong side of the bar." ................................... :drum:
 

Johnny Acree

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Just found out a friend of mine has two tickets for the
Super Bowl in Minneapolis at the new U. S. Bank Stadium on Sunday,
February 4th. They're box seats. He paid $3,500 per ticket, which
includes the ride to and from the airport, lunch, dinner, a $400.00
bar tab and a pass to the winner's locker room after the game.


What he didn't realize when he bought them last year was that the game's on the same
day as his wedding!


Obviously, he’s got to find somebody to take his place.


If you're interested, go to St. Paul's Church at 3 p.m. Look for Ashley.
She's 5'4", about 115 pounds, a good cook, hates to shop and loves to do housework.
She'll be the one in the white dress.
 

JK

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Responding to an ad in the paper for Bible salesman, a man arrived for his interview. "I w-w-want to s-s-sell B-B-Bibles," he said. His interviewer was hesitant, but because the man's past sales performance was so good, he hired him.
To everyone's astonishment, within a few months, the fellow's sales were the best in the company. The president called a meeting to congratulate him and to inspire the other salesmen, "Son, tell us your secret for selling so many Bibles," he said.
"It's easy, I just go to the d-door and say, "W-W-Would you like to b-b-buy a B-B-Bible? Or I c-c-could c-c-come in and read it t-t-to you?"
 

JK

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A man came home to find his best friend in bed with his girlfriend. "You bastard!" screamed the man, grabbing his shotgun, "I'm gonna blow your balls off!"
"Shit, man, give me half a chance," pleaded his ex-friend.
"All right," replied the man, "swing 'em!"
 

booboo

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How to draw a cat. Sign of the times.
how to draw a cat.jpg
Feel free to delete if offensive. I deleted it from my pictures after laughing.
 
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