Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Mel]

Speaking of Viagra..... Man when to the dentist. When the dentist came in with a needle, the man said, "I can't handle a needle. I'm a bleeder and might bleed to death." The dentist said, "No problem, we'll just use gas." "Nope, I'm allergic to nitrous oxide."
So the dentist hands him a little blue pill. The man asks, "What is this? I'm allergic to a lot of things. I need to know."
The dentist explains that it is simply Viagra. "Are you allergic to Viagra?"
"No, I can take Viagra. Do you mean to tell me that Viagra will help with the pain?"
"Not really. But it'll give you something to hang on to!"

 

[Coss]

Hmmmm I'll have to remember that if I ever have to go to the dentist again. Viagra .... ok, got it oh wait That's better

 

[Coss]

Q: Why does a dog lick his balls?

A: Because he can't make a fist!

 

[Coss]

A girl was really flat chested so she went to the doctors and asked him if he had anything to prescribe to her, to help her get bigger breasts.
The doctor replied to her,” Everyday when you wake up rub your nipples and say, 'Scobbie Dobbie Doo I wish I had bigger boobs.'”

So she went home and kept repeating this procedure each day and her breast really started to grow.
So one day she was on the bus and remembered that she forgot to do it that day.
So she stood up and started rubbing her nipples and said, "Scobbie Dobbie Doo I Wish I had bigger boobs.”

After that a guy walked up to her and said, "Hey, you must go see that new doctor in town?"

She said, "Yeah, how did you know?"

The guy then stood in front of her, grabbed his crotch, and said, "Hickory Dickory Dock..."

 

[Johnny Acree]

That Dog’ll Bite You as told by Lewis Grizzard

“Got to tell the dog story. There’s somebody left who hasn’t heard the dog story.

We are playing Auburn. Sanford Stadium. National Television. Winner wins the Southeastern Conference; goes to the Sugar Bowl.

85,000 people jammed into Sanford Stadium. National television audience. This game is on the Armed Service Network. People in Switzerland are seeing this ballgame. Going everywhere.

The band cranks up “Glory, Glory to Ole Georgia” and our team comes running out. 85,000 stand as one.

We are led by our gallant mascot, UGA-U-G-A. What a dog! What a gorgeous dog. What a symbol of ferocity. But UGA ain’t real smart. UGA did not realize he was at a football game. Nor did he realize he was on national television, and was going into living rooms the width and breadth of this great nation.

And there, in front of all them people, he began to lick himself where dogs occasionally want to lick themselves, ok?

We don’t have to get any more graphic than that.

Bubba an’ Earl sittin’ on the fifty.

Bubba sees the dog, punches earl and said, ‘Earl, look at that dog. Dadgum, I wish I could do that.’

Earl said, ‘ Bubba, that dog’ll bite you!’”

 

[Ty]

Random quotes (Just the ones I liked from a long list and no, I didn't keep track of who said what or when)


Just because nobody complains, doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.


Racism isn’t born, it’s taught. I have a 2 year old son. Know what he hates? Naps. End of list.


I needed a password that was 8 characters long so I picked “SnowWhiteAndTheSevenDwarves”


It’s important to live your life by a motto. I chose to live my life by the motto, “My enemy’s enemy is my friend.” Unfortunately, as it turns out, my enemy is his own worst enemy. So, I have to invite him to barbecues.


When I was a kid, I asked my mom what a couple was and she said, “Oh, two or three.” And she wonders why her marriage didn’t work out.


If we were created by God, why do we occasionally bite the insides of our mouths?


A man doesn’t know true happiness until he’s married. By then, it’s too late.


My problem with the Grand Canyon is Americans are too proud of it for my liking. The Grand Canyon was like that when they found it! And it’s not like it was hard to find.


I remember the last thing my Grandma said to me before she died. “What are you doing here with that hammer?”

 

[Mel]

Random quotes (Just the ones I liked from a long list and no, I didn't keep track of who said what or when)
Just because nobody complains, doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.

That reminds me of the old saying: "If at first you don't succeed, Skydiving is probably not for you!"

 

[Coss]

A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"

"To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"

The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.
The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.
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He takes the photo, and nods, "I didn't realize you had a prescription."

 

[Coss]

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport.
Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while.
Without much of a choice, the chauffeur climbed in the back of the limo and the Pope took the wheel.

After gleefully accelerating to about 90 mph, the Pope was pulled over by the State Patrol.
The trooper came to his window, took a look inside, and said, "Just a moment, please. I need to call in."

The trooper called in and asked for the chief. He told the chief, "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."

The chief replied, "Who is it? A senator?"

The trooper said, "No, even more important."

The chief asked, "It's the Governor, isn't it?"

"No. More important."

"The President?"

"No. More important."

"Well, Who the heck is it?!" screams the chief.

"I don't know," said the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

 

[Coss]

“Why don’t you smile?” the teacher asked little Peter.

“I didn’t have any breakfast,” little Peter replied.

“You poor dear,” said the teacher. “But let's return to our geography lesson."
"Peter, where is the Canadian border?”

“In bed with my mom, that’s why I didn’t have breakfast.”