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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Keith Dahl, Sep 20, 2014.

  1. gottemfeathers

    gottemfeathers Elio Addict

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    Navy Cook: Telling it like it is!!!

    An admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command.

    While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

    He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.

    The Chief replied, "I'd be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.

    Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic !!”

    The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that's the way you feel, sir, then I would suggest you might want to avoid the donuts.
     
    Coss likes this.
  2. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly.
    John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence.

    This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river.
    John was elated.
    He told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.

    He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes.
    His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence?

    He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw
    the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"
     
    larryboy, W. WIllie and Johnny Acree like this.
  3. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    A drunk walks into a bar, orders a drink and says to the bartender, “All lawyers are assholes!”

    A guy at the end of the bar says, “You better take that back!”

    The drunk man goes, "Why, are you a lawyer?"

    The man says, "No, I’m an asshole!" :drum:
     
  4. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    A 70-year-old man has never been married.
    One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight.
    They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.
    When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"

    "Oh, it was beautiful," says the man.
    "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we--"

    His friend interrupts him.
    "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"
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    "Oh," says the man, "we almost made love on Monday, we almost made love on Tuesday..."
     
    Jelio likes this.
  5. gottemfeathers

    gottemfeathers Elio Addict

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    A Montana rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

    She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

    Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

    She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

    He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

    So one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.” The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

    One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and still no hired hand.

    Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

    She quietly called him over to her…

    "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

    "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

    "Now take off my socks.” He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

    "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

    "Now take off my bra ..." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

    Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"
     
    bighammer, Ty, Johnny Acree and 3 others like this.
  6. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    A man and a woman were in bed getting ready to make love.
    The woman directed the man, “Go ahead. Put your finger in there.”

    So the man did, and after a few minutes, she said, “Put a few more in.”
    So the man put a few more in, and then she requested, “Put your whole hand in.”

    The man did this, and after a few moments the woman said, “Now put your other hand in.”
    So the man did. The woman said, “Clap!”

    “I can’t,” replied the man.
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    So the woman said, “Tight, huh?”
     
    Ty likes this.
  7. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in first class on a flight.
    The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.
    The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.

    A few minutes pass.
    The woman sneezes again.
    She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.
    The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing.

    A few more minutes pass.
    The woman sneezes yet again.
    She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.
    The man has finally had all he can handle.
    He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"

    The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir.
    I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

    The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry."
    "What are you taking for it?"

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    The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
     
    Ty likes this.
  8. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    One fine morning in the Garden of Eden, Adam awakened and looked over to his side only to find that nobody was there to share the beautiful sunrise with.

    So he called upon God and said to him, "God, I’m tired of being alone, I want a woman.
    And I want her to cook, clean, sew, massage, and obey my every command."

    Then God replied, "Well Adam, that’s going to cost you and arm and a leg."

    Adam thought about it for a moment and then said, "What can I get for a rib?" :drum:
     
  9. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    What did the elephant say to the naked guy standing in front of him?

    "How do you breath through something that small?"
     
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  10. gottemfeathers

    gottemfeathers Elio Addict

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    5-Minute Management Course
    Lesson 1:

    A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

    The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs..

    When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

    Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel..'

    After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

    The woman wraps back up in the towel and
    goes back upstairs.

    When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

    'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

    Moral of the story:
    If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

    Lesson 2:

    A priest offered a Nun a lift.

    She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

    The priest nearly had an accident.

    After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg..

    The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

    The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

    The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

    Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

    On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

    Moral of the story:
    If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

    Lesson 3:

    A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

    They rub it and a Genie comes out.
    The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.''Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'Puff! She's gone.

    'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

    Puff! He's gone.

    'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
    Moral of the story:
    Always let your boss have the first say.
    Lesson 4:

    An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

    A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

    So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
    Moral of the story:
    To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
    Lesson 5:

    A turkey was chatting with a bull.

    'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.''Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

    The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

    The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

    Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

    He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
    Moral of the story:
    Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

    Lesson 6:

    A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

    While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

    As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

    The dung was actually thawing him out!

    He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate..

    Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
    Morals of the story:
    (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
    (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend..
    (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


    THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE!
     

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