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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Keith Dahl, Sep 20, 2014.

  1. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    A Lutheran pastor, a Catholic priest, and a professional poker player were fishing from a boat not far the shore of a lake.
    The pastor needed to go to the bathroom so he got out of the boat, walked across the water, disappeared into the woods by the shore.
    He then walked back across the water to the boat and climbed back in.

    The priest was the next to make the trip, getting out of the boat, walking across the water, disappearing into the trees, and then walking back across the water and returning to the boat.

    The professional poker player was the last to go.
    He stepped out of the boat and immediately sank.
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    The pastor looked at the priest and said, "We really should have told him where the rocks are."
     
    gottemfeathers likes this.
  2. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    A pilot is having dinner with a brunette and when they finish, they head to a hotel. He calls room service and asks for a bottle of red wine. When it arrives, he opens the bottle and puts some of the wine on the brunette’s lips and then starts kissing her. She asks what he’s doing and he replies, “When I have read meat, I must have red wine.”

    “Ooohh,” she says. A little later he calls room service again and orders some white wine. It arrives in a few moments and he begins to splash it on the girl's breasts and then starts kissing them. She asks what the white wine is for and he replies, “When I have white meat, I must have white wine.”

    “Ooohh, she says. Eventually, he works his way down, pulls out a can of lighter fluid and a match, sprinkles it on her muff, and lights it on fire. “Aahhh! Why the hell did you do that?" she yells.
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    “When I go down, I want to go down in flames!” he replies. ………………………………………...:drum:
     
  3. Frim

    Frim Elio Addict

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    When a joke doesn't belong any where...….
     
  4. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    Then how about this one:

    Two Irish guys were sitting at a bar having a drink and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of the guys said, “Aye, ‘tis a shame to see a man of the cloth going bad.”

    Then they saw a rabbi enter to brother, and the other Irish guy said, “Aye, ‘tis a shame to see that the Jews are falling victim to temptation as well.”

    Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the guys said, “What a terrible pity, one of the girls must be dying.”
     
  5. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    A man walks into a store and he saw a thermos. The clerk walks up to him and asks, "May I help you with anything?"

    "Yeah! What is that?"

    "Why that's a thermos!"

    "What's it do?"

    "It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!"

    "I'll take it."

    The next day the man goes to work carrying this thermos. His co-workers asks him, "What's that?"

    "It's a thermos."

    "What's it do?"

    "It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold."

    "So whatcha got in it?"
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    "Two ice creams and a cup of coffee." ………….:drum:
     
  6. Mel

    Mel Elio Addict

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    This reminds me of a street survey that took place in Washington D.C. The question was "What is the most import invention ever invented and why?"
    1st respondent, "It must be the wheel, because so many things are based on the principal of the wheel."
    2nd respondent, "No, it must be the electric light, because before that everything pretty much stopped at sun down. Now we can work or play all night."
    3rd respondent, "Nope, It's got to be the thermos." The surveyor says, "But all a thermos does is keep things hot or cold."
    Respondent, "Yeah, but how do it know which?"
     
  7. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory.
    He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

    He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

    She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

    The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
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    She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."...…….:drum:
     
  8. hawg_ryder

    hawg_ryder Elio Addict

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    A Precious Irish Story:

    I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

    I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?”

    “NO!” the children answered.

    “If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?”

    Again, the answer was, “NO!”

    “If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?”

    Again, they all answered, “NO!”

    I was just bursting with pride for them.


    I continued, “Then how can I get into heaven?”

    A little boy shouted out, “YUV GOTTA’ BE FOOKN' DEAD!”

    :D;):cool:
     
  9. hawg_ryder

    hawg_ryder Elio Addict

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    Got that right!:becky:

    upload_2018-7-18_19-35-24.png

    hr_:cool:
     
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  10. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    Some come here to sit and think…

    Some come here to shit and stink…

    I come here to scratch my balls…

    And read the writing on the walls.
     
    CheeseheadEarl and Ty like this.

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