Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Trusting]

A woman took her 6 year old son to the beach. While he was playing in the sand a giant wave came in and swept him away. The woman fell to her knees and prayed to the All Mighty to please save the son. After a couple of minutes another wave came in and deposited the boy back on the beach, without a hair out of place. The woman looked at the heavens, then her son, then the heavens again and said, "When we came he had a hat."

 

[Mel]

View attachment 22981
Ain't it da truth!
_hr

"Common Sense" is no longer found in the dictionary. Currently it is only found in History books!

 

[champsman]

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring.

So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."

"Wow!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!"

"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

 

[champsman]

I bought a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: "Remove cap and push up bottom.”
It hurts to walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely .

 

[champsman]

The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front
door onto the porch. Someone called 911.

When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain conscious-
ness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.

"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked
me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car
out, he came out with the lawn mower!"

 

[Coss]

Two guys are in a locker room after their racquetball match when one guy notices the other has a cork in his ass.
“If you don’t mind me saying,” said the second, “the cork looks terribly uncomfortable. Why don’t you take it out?”

“I can’t,” lamented the first man. “It’s permanent.”

“I don’t understand,” said the second.

"Well," says the first guy, “I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp.
There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man in a turban came oozing out.

He said, 'I am Hasan the Genie. I can grant you one wish.' And I said, ‘No shit.’”

 

[Travelbuzz1]

 

[Coss]

Did you hear about the not so smart young lady that was injured while ice fishing?

She was run over by the zamboni.

 

[Johnny Cyclone]

Did you hear about the not so smart young lady that was injured while ice fishing?

She was run over by the zamboni.

She had a brother who failed at suicide. He jumped out of a basement window.

 

[champsman]

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high bridge, about to jump off.

An old homeless guy who was wandering by stopped and said,

"Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?"


She screamed, "NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard!"


He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay then, I'll just go and wait at the bottom”.


She didn't jump.



Object lesson: Suicide counseling really does work!