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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Keith Dahl, Sep 20, 2014.

  1. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    Once in the middle of the night two little boys got up to get some water from the kitchen.

    On their way past their parent’s bedroom they heard a funny sound coming out from there.
    The oldest boy looked into the keyhole.

    He backed up and said, "I can't believe it!”

    The younger brother looked in afterwards and said, "And she yells at me for sucking my thumb!”
     
  2. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    Four doctors were talking to each other about who was the best patient to operate on.
    The first doctor said, "The best person to operate on are librarians cause everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

    Disagreeing, the second doctor announced that mechanics were the best to operate on because they understand if you've got parts left over when you’re done.

    The third Doctor replied, “No, no, you are both wrong. A technician is the best cause everything inside is color coded."

    "Excuse me!” broke in the fourth doctor, “The best to operate on are politicians.

    They have no guts, no spine, and the head and rear are interchangeable."
     
    CheeseheadEarl, R and Johnny Acree like this.
  3. Mel

    Mel Elio Addict

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    Man was stopped by police for speeding. The man asked if they were going to search his car. Officer said, "Why would we do that?" The man said, "I don't know. You might suspect that I have illegal drugs or weapons. You might even think that I have a dead body in my trunk." The officer said, "You wait right here!" Then he went back to his squad car and called for a supervisor. In a few minutes the supervisor showed up with a search warrant. He told the driver that he had a warrant to search the vehicle. "Why would you want to search my car?" "The officer thinks that you might have illegal drugs, weapons, and possibly even a body in your trunk."
    The driver then said, "You don't need a warrant. You're welcome to search everything. I have nothing to hide. Man, Next I guess he'll be telling you I was speeding!"
     
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2018
  4. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    The man walks up to the pretty lady at the end of the bar, ready with his (so believed) best pick-up line.

    "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"

    "Unfertilized," she answers casually, and then walks away.
     
    Ty, CheeseheadEarl, Maurtis and 3 others like this.
  5. Mel

    Mel Elio Addict

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    The nest time you visit your doctor ask him, "Hey Doc, What is an E-K-G?" He will answer "Electrocardiogram".
    Then ask "What is an E-E-G?" He will answer "Electroencephalogram".
    Finally ask "What is an E-G-G." He will, most likely, miss it!
     
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2018
    Ty, CheeseheadEarl and Maurtis like this.
  6. hawg_ryder

    hawg_ryder Elio Addict

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    An Arab Sheik was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world. Finally, a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type.

    After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife and $500,000 US dollars in appreciation for the blood donation.

    A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a further corrective surgery procedure. Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood. After the second surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Hershey Chocolates.

    The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him,"I thought you would be more generous than that. Last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and a crappy box of chocolates?"

    To this the Arab replied, "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins!" :D

    :cool:_hr
     
  7. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    A man is driving down a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving up the same road.

    As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "Pig!"

    The man immediately leans out his window and replies with, "BITCH!"

    They each continue on their way, as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
     
    CheeseheadEarl likes this.
  8. Travelbuzz1

    Travelbuzz1 Elio Addict

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  9. hawg_ryder

    hawg_ryder Elio Addict

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  10. booboo

    booboo Elio Addict

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    17829 All In 4/3/16 Committed 8/12/16
    "Hoovies Hilarious Dealership Experience
    Tyler Hoover thought he wanted to work in the car business so he got a job at a dealership. It was a much less wholesome work environment than he expected."

    And here we have the best comment(s) of the day (referring to Hoovie inviting a bunch of crazy co-workers over to his parent's house for a party.)

    Mumbʟes005
    Yeah, those aren't the kind of people you invite over to drink. Those are the kind of people you invite over to help you move a body. Inviting them over to drink is how you end up with a body that needs moved.

    Alvin Brinson
    Those are the kind of people who would say yes to helping you move a body and give you a business card so you can call them for the next body also.

    Stephen Lipsett
    At least they'll already be there to help with the moving. That's efficiency!
     
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