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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Keith Dahl, Sep 20, 2014.

  1. hawg_ryder

    hawg_ryder Elio Addict

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    Damn Straight!:D
    beer call.png


    :cool:_hr
     
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  2. hawg_ryder

    hawg_ryder Elio Addict

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    Pessimist-Optimist.png :D:p


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  3. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    Bob was helping Jim get his computer set up.

    Jim had to enter a password. Jim put in “Penis”.

    The computer replied, "Password to small. Please try again."
     
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  4. hawg_ryder

    hawg_ryder Elio Addict

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    Not really a joke per se, but humorous none the less...

    A LITTLE COMMON SENSE FROM AN OLD COWBOY . . .
    Don't pick a fight with an Old Man, cause you may get what's comin' to ya!
    Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
    Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
    Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
    A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
    Words that soak into your ears are whispered . . . not yelled.
    Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.
    Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
    Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
    It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
    You cannot unsay a cruel word.
    Every path has a few puddles.
    When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
    The best sermons are lived, not preached.
    Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.
    Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
    Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
    Live a good, honorable life . . . Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.
    Don ‘t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none.
    Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.
    If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
    Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
    The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.
    Always drink upstream from the herd.
    Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
    Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
    If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around . . .
    Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
    Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.


    :cool:_hr
     
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  5. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful so she left a note for the milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
    When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
    He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify her request.

    The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

    The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I am going to fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath."

    The milkman asked, "You want it pasteurized?"

    The blonde replied, "No, just up to my nipples."
     
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  6. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

    After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

    "No," he replied, "Arthritis."
     
  7. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency.
    Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
    The couple produces photos of their 50 foot motor-home, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
    The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.

    "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."

    Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment. "Our nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet."

    The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

    "It doesn't really matter, as long as he or she fits in the cannon."...……… :boom: ………....:drum:
     
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  8. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    A man goes to see the doctor to ask for three Viagra pills. The doctor says, "These are very powerful pills so I need to know why you need three?"

    "Well, Doc, my girlfriend is coming over Friday. My ex-wife on Saturday, and my new-wife is coming home on Sunday. I need these pills so I can satisfy them all."

    "Well," the doctor said, "okay, but one on one condition. That you come in on Monday so I can check your vitals to make sure you are ok." The man agrees. So Monday arrives and the man goes to see the doctor, with both arms are in a sling.

    "Oh my! What happened?" the doctor asks.

    The man replies, "Nobody showed up, I was alone all weekend."
     
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  9. Coss

    Coss Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked.
    Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door.
    Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?"

    "Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously.

    Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising."...…………..:drum:
     
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  10. hawg_ryder

    hawg_ryder Elio Addict

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    how much do i get.png :p


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