Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

On the battlefield an Officer orders a Soldier to try and save a military warehouse that’s been set on fire by the enemy.
To get to a hose the soldier dodges bullets, wipes out a machine gun nest and blows up an enemy tank.

He then climbs all over the burning building and extinguish every flame he can find. On the way back he kills three men barehanded, shoots down an enemy helicopter and destroys and enemy base.
The Officer salutes him.
“That was the most heroic thing I ever saw,” he says. “You’ll get a medal for saving that warehouse”

“Warehouse?” says the soldier, “I thought you said ‘whorehouse’!”

 

[Coss]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jaguar XK-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Jag.
The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911.

In less than five minutes, a policeman pulled up.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you high rolling' lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Didn’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.

"OH MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer, "My Rolex!"

 

[hawg_ryder]

Finally!

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[hawg_ryder]

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[Coss]

A blind rabbit and blind snake bump into each other in the forest. The rabbit says, "Excuse me, I'm blind."

The snake replies, "That's okay, so am I. I got an idea. Let's rub up against each other so we know what we are?"

Reluctantly the rabbit agrees. The snake coiled around the rabbit, felt his long ears and bushy tail, and said, "Hey, you're a rabbit!"

It was then the rabbits turn. He felt the snake's fangs, ran down the snake's entire body, then felt the snake's rattler.
The rabbit jumped back quickly and hopped through the woods frantically screaming, "HE'S A LAWYER, HE'S A LAWYER!"

 

[Coss]

Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal."

The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"

"A cat!" said Suzy.

"Good job. Now, what's this animal?"

"A dog!" said Ricky.

"Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."

"I know!" called out Little Johnny. "A horny bastard!"

 

[Coss]

Two guys, one a senior and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy. “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, “That’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit anxious.”

The old guy says, “Well maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, “She is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts.
What does your wife look like?”

The old guy says, “Doesn’t matter, let’s look for yours.”

 

[hawg_ryder]

Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Flight Attendant

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's freezer.

The lawyer advised the flight attendant that he was holding her personally responsible for keeping the crabs frozen, informing her in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.

The flight attendant was pretty annoyed by his behavior, but put the crabs in the freezer and went about her business.

Shortly before landing in New York, the flight attendant used the intercom to query the entire cabin, asking, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so the blonde flight attendant took the crabs home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't always as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't always as dumb as most folks think they are.

 

[hawg_ryder]

An elderly couple was flying to Hawaii for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives.”

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks, “Honey, did we pay the car payment this month?”
“No, sweetheart,” she responds.

Still shaken from the crash landing, he then asks, “Did we pay our credit card bill yet?”
“Oh no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.

“One last thing, did you remember to pay the medical bill for the hospital visit last month?” he asks.
“Oh, forgive me, sweetheart,” begged the wife. “I didn’t send that one, either.”

The husband grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years. She pulls away and asks him, “What was the hug for?”
The husband answers, “They’ll find us!”

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[hawg_ryder]

When you are 70…

I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my butt and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you’re seventy...who cares?

**********

I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
I said "Nah. She's purty good lookin'..."
When you’re seventy…who cares?

***********

I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you’re seventy…who cares?

**********

I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
When you’re seventy…who cares?

*********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in
When you’re seventy…who cares?

**********

I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When you’re seventy…who cares?

"Count your life by smiles, not tears, count your age by friends, not years, and remember, we do not quit playing because we grow old... we grow old because we quit playing.”


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