Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[bowers baldwin]

 

[Hotscoots]

A guy walks into a bar and orders six shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day."

The guy says, "Am I ever! I woke up late for work. On my way to work, I got in an accident. When I got to work, I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. To top it off, I came home to my wife screwing my best friend."

The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?"

The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."

The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?"

The guy says, "BAD DOG!"

 

[Hotscoots]

Bill tried to cheer up Hillary this morning by reminding her that
Nelson Mandela wasn't elected president until after he had
served 27 years in prison.

 

[Karnaj]

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

A: Pregnant

 

[DWR]

Then it's best to let it go........
It you have to wonder about the verbiage, it's probably bad, and shouldn't be posted.

Aw, come on Coss. "Not necessarily work safe" use to mean something around here. Even G1 agreed most anything goes on this thread. Can you, as a mod. put a "must be 18 to view"on here? Hell, most of US are close too, or over 50! I really don't think any of us are going to be shocked by anything we see on this thread. Please give us a "playground for adults" we can use for fun.

 

[Coss]

Aw, come on Coss. "Not necessarily work safe" use to mean something around here. Even G1 agreed most anything goes on this thread. Can you, as a mod. put a "must be 18 to view"on here? Hell, most of US are close too, or over 50! I really don't think any of us are going to be shocked by anything we see on this thread. Please give us a "playground for adults" we can use for fun.

If it was my site to call the rules we'd probably have one; but since I'm just a worker bee I can't. Talk to Okuma Steve the Admin about it.

Just for an FYI; even as a Mod I've been reported for some questionable language I posted in here; so it's not me ruling it out; it's other end users.
As for the over 50; yeah I fit in the over 60 bracket, plus long time ago I was a real patch wearing, color flying, beer drinkin wild man that was a for real biker; this mouth has uttered some gutter scraping vocabulary to many others and did not care what they thought.

I'll go put my soapbox away now before I start really getting into it.

Back to the topic


Hillbilly Feud


There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly.

John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence.

This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river.

John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.

He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence?

He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"

 

[Coss]

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 1,000, one to hold the bulb and 999 to turn the house.

 

[Coss]

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a 'redneck' joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Before you tell that joke you should know something.
I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs. and a redneck.
The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and a redneck.
The fella next to him is 6'5", 250 lbs. and a redneck. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "Nah. I don't want to have to explain it three times."

 

[Coss]

The brand new editions of you know you're a redneck when...

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized, because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood, and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation, because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

 

[DWR]

The brand new editions of you know you're a redneck when...

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized, because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood, and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation, because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

Guilty of #25.