Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[champsman]

The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and
told a series of jokes he'd heard recently. Everybody laughed
loudly. Everybody, that is, except Mike.
When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike,
the boss said, "What's the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?"
"My sense of humor is fine," he said. "But I don't have to
laugh. I'm quitting tomorrow."

 

[Bamdalam]

How can you not help this guy?

 

[Coss]

Got to give him some points for originality.

 

[Bamdalam]

Tom Brady dub over. This is funny. turn your sound on.

https://video.search.yahoo.com/vide...o1l&hspart=prodege&hsimp=yhs-prodege_001&vm=p

 

[bighammer]

A couple down the road from me went to a resort for people with memory problems. After their return, I asked him about it. He went on about the plush room, great food, 24/7 service for anything you want. They enjoyed fun games and word association exercises to build memory function, a wide variety of other activities during free time, and they found it very relaxing.

I told him I thought it sounded nice and worth checking out, so I asked for the name of it. A long blank stare followed. After some thought, he asked "What's the name of a flower on a long stem with thorns?"

"A rose?" I asked.

"Yes, that's it. Hey ROSE! What was the name of that place we went...."

 

[Ralphe]

A couple down the road from me went to a resort for people with memory problems. After their return, I asked him about it. He went on about the plush room, great food, 24/7 service for anything you want. They enjoyed fun games and word association exercises to build memory function, a wide variety of other activities during free time, and they found it very relaxing.

I told him I thought it sounded nice and worth checking out, so I asked for the name of it. A long blank stare followed. After some thought, he asked "What's the name of a flower on a long stem with thorns?"

"A rose?" I asked.

"Yes, that's it. Hey ROSE! What was the name of that place we went...."

**********************************************************************************************
Only a old guy could really appreciate this, (I am) Laughed till the tears came.....THANKS

 

[champsman]

This young woman is no different from the rest of us, both family happiness and heartbreak are familiar to her. She is simply looking for an answer to her questions. How do you maintain a relationship? How do you bring back the excitement of the first date?
She wrote a letter to the tech support to find her answers. She sent the letter as a joke and only remembered about it when she suddenly received an email notification with a response.
Dear Tech Support,
’Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
Dear Desperate,
"First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!’

 

[champsman]

Maxine took her car to her mechanic. She told him.."every time I take any of my friends out in my car, after a while there is this terrible smell !! It never happens when I am driving alone'!

This intrigued the mechanic, so he said, "let's go for a spin and see what the problem is.' off they went..

She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction at 70 mile per hour swerving, hitting the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly missed three pedestrians in pedestrian crossings, ran several red lights, and just missed a policeman on street traffic duty.

Then, they returned to the shop, and she said, "there it is now... there's that terrible smell! Can you smell it?"

"Smell it"? "Lady, I'm sitting in it"!!

 

[Coss]

Maxine took her car to her mechanic. She told him.."every time I take any of my friends out in my car, after a while there is this terrible smell !! It never happens when I am driving alone'!

This intrigued the mechanic, so he said, "let's go for a spin and see what the problem is.' off they went..

She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction at 70 mile per hour swerving, hitting the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly missed three pedestrians in pedestrian crossings, ran several red lights, and just missed a policeman on street traffic duty.

Then, they returned to the shop, and she said, "there it is now... there's that terrible smell! Can you smell it?"

"Smell it"? "Lady, I'm sitting in it"!!

ROFLMAO!!

 

[TCBronson]

A pilot and co-pilot were flying to an airport they had never been to before. As they got closer to the airport the co-pilot pointed out the runway up ahead and made the comment that it looked kind of short. So the pilot throttled back. As they got closer, again the co-pilot pointed out that the runway looked a little short, so the pilot applied full flaps. As they continued there final approach the co-pilot once again pointed out how short the runway looked. They touched down and slammed on the brakes and came to a screeching halt at the end of the runway. The co-pilot exclaimed that that was THE shortest runway they had ever landed on! And the pilot said yea, but look how wide it is!