Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Mel]

Woman is in a coma for several years. One day when the nurse was giving her a sponge bath she noticed that when she rubbed the woman's whoo-whoo, there was a reaction. She discussed this with the Doctor who suggested to the husband that a little oral sex might be in order. The doctor and nurse left them alone. In about 10 minutes the alarms went off and the woman had stopped breathing. They rushed in and the husband remarked, "I think she choked!"

 

[hawg_ryder]

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[Coss]

A woman goes to her doctor for a physical.
The doctor notices she seems a little down he asks her what’s going on.
“Well, my husband has lost that loving feeling, it's been months."

The doctor suggests she get him some Viagra. "Oh, he'd never agree to that."

The Doctor says "Here take a sample and slip it in his morning coffee and see what happens."

The wife agrees and makes an appointment for the following week.
She returns the following week and the Doctor asked “How did it go?"

The wife replied, "Both good and bad. I did what you said and while we were having breakfast I slipped it in his morning coffee."
"It wasn’t very long when he got that gleam in his eye and took me right there on the table. It was as wonderful as our honeymoon 30 years ago."

The Doctor looked confused. "So what’s the bad part?"

The wife looked at him sheepishly, "We're banned from McDonalds for life."...…………………..

 

[hawg_ryder]

Didn't know whether to put these in jokes or Inspirational Quotes! LOL

Football-isms:

"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football" ...WOW

- John Heisman



"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game."
– Bear Bryant / Alabama

"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!”
- Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat.
That costs money, and we don't have any."
– Erik Russell / Georgia Southern

"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it."
- Lou Holtz / Arkansas - Notre Dame

"When you win, nothing hurts."
- Joe Namath / Alabama

"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall."
- Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you."
- Woody Hayes / Ohio State

"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation."
- Bob Devaney / Nebraska

"In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant."
- Wally Butts / Georgia

"I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's."
– Alex Karras / Iowa

"My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor.”
- Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades."
- Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

"Always remember Goliath was a 40-point favorite over David."
- Shug Jordan / Auburn

"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me."
He said,"Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren't any good."
- Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel."
- Bobby Bowden / Florida State

"Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport.
Dancing IS a contact sport." -
Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was; "All those who need showers, take them."
- John McKay / USC

"If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.”
- Murray Warmath / Minnesota

"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb.
To be a back, you only have to be dumb."
- Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches."
- Darrell Royal / Texas

"We didn't tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking."
- John McKay / USC

"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players."
- Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words.”

Why do Auburn fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
Drool.

How many Michigan State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a sophomore course.

How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.

What do you say to a Florida State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise."

If three Rutgers football players are in the same car, who is driving?
The police officer.

How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girlfriend?
There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.

University of Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week.

The other half will have to dress themselves.

How is the Kansas football team like an opossum?
They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

How do you get a former University of Miami football player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

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[booboo]

I rear-ended a car this morning…the start of a REALLY bad day!The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said ‘I am NOT HAPPY!’ So I said, ‘Well, which one are you then? ’That’s how the fight started.

 

[Johnny Cyclone]

Definition of a good lawyer-
One who can get a charge of Sodomy changed to Following Too Close.

 

[Ty]

Definition of a good lawyer-
One who can get a charge of Sodomy changed to Following Too Close.

Either that or they get you off... LOL

 

[Coss]

Mr. and Mrs. Shaw were on a safari in darkest Africa.
They were walking cautiously through the jungle when suddenly a huge lion sprang out in front of them, seized Mrs. Shaw in its jaws and started to drag her off into the bush.

“Shoot!” she screamed to her husband. “Shoot!”


“I can’t!” he yelled back. “I’ve run out of film!”

 

[hawg_ryder]

He's My Brother



Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?

Eight , the boy replied.

The man continued, Do you know what these are used for?

The boy replied, Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."

"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.

"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he cant do none of that stuff.

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[hawg_ryder]

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