Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Muzhik]

I heard this today on public radio. They were interviewing an occulist -- an artist who makes prosthetic eyes. After describing all the steps she takes to make lifelike prosthetic eyes, she then started casually talking about the "customizations" that some of her customers had her do. These would be various sayings or logos that she would put on the part of the eyeball that isn't seen by other people.

The best story there was of the former soldier who had an American Flag painted on his prosthetic eye. One day he went into a convenience store to pay for his gas, and the guy behind the bar had an American Flag tattooed on his arm. They had the following exchange:
"That's a nice tattoo. Did it hurt getting it?"
"Some."
"Bet it didn't hurt as much as mine, though."
"What do you mean?"
The soldier pulled his upper eyelid back and looked down, so you could see this small American flag at the top of his eyeball.
"Yeah, it hurt like a son-of-a-b**** getting it. I'll never do THAT again!"

 

[Coss]

I heard this today on public radio. They were interviewing an occulist -- an artist who makes prosthetic eyes. After describing all the steps she takes to make lifelike prosthetic eyes, she then started casually talking about the "customizations" that some of her customers had her do. These would be various sayings or logos that she would put on the part of the eyeball that isn't seen by other people.

The best story there was of the former soldier who had an American Flag painted on his prosthetic eye. One day he went into a convenience store to pay for his gas, and the guy behind the bar had an American Flag tattooed on his arm. They had the following exchange:
"That's a nice tattoo. Did it hurt getting it?"
"Some."
"Bet it didn't hurt as much as mine, though."
"What do you mean?"
The soldier pulled his upper eyelid back and looked down, so you could see this small American flag at the top of his eyeball.
"Yeah, it hurt like a son-of-a-b**** getting it. I'll never do THAT again!"

 

[Ty]

Two flies on a piece of crap. First fly cuts a fart. The other said "Hey, do you mind? I'm eating here."

 

[Coss]

An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice, picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked.
I'm here to feed the alligator."




Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.

(Isn't that the truth )

 

[Coss]

A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness.

One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand across the older man's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming, "Feels just like my wife's ass."

With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging executive rubbed his hand across his head. "You're right," he said, "it does..."

 

[Coss]

What the difference between keeping the same job for twenty years and being married for twenty years?

After twenty years, the job still sucks.

 

[Ty]

An old pirate walks into a bar. He has a wooden boat steering wheel shoved into his pants. He orders a Rum and Coke. The bartender looks at him and says "It's odd to have a wooden steering wheel shoved in your pants. That must be irritating. Why do you have it?" The Pirate takes a sip of his rum and answers "Aye. It's driving me nuts!"

 

[Johnny Acree]

A German woman married an American gentleman born in Virginia and they lived happily ever after in his home town.

The poor lady was not very proficient

in English, but did manage

To communicate with her husband.


The real problem arose

whenever she had to shop for groceries.


One day, she went to the butcher counter and wanted to

buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her

request so, in desperation, she clucked like a chicken and lifted

up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave

her the chicken legs.


Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she

didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and

unbuttoned Her blouse to show the butcher her breasts.

The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.


On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.

Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her

husband to the store...


(Please scroll down.)














What were you Thinking?



Her husband speaks English....hellooo!



I worry about you Sometimes!

 

[Coss]

How are tornadoes and marriage alike?

They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house

 

[Coss]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jaguar XK-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Jag.
The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911.

In less than five minutes, a policeman pulled up.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.
His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you high rolling' lawyers are," he said.
"You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Didn’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down?
It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.



"OH MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer, "My Rolex!"