Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

A patrolman was making his evening rounds in this small town. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

“Heavens no, we bought it,” replied one lady.

“Then why don’t you drive it away?”

“We can’t drive.”

“Then why did you buy it?”

“We were told that if we bought a used car here, we’d get screwed… we’re just waiting.”

 

[Coss]

There are two old guys sitting in a retirement home talking about there indignity of growing old.

The first old man said, "My hands shake so bad that this morning when I was shaving, I cut myself in four places!"

The second old man said, "That’s nothing, this morning when I was taking a piss, I came three times

 

[Coss]

A science teacher asks a student, "Mike if you could have any element of the element table what would it be?"

Mike said, "Gold, because gold is worth a lot and I could have a Ferrari in my drive way every day."

The teacher asked another student, "Johnny, what element would you choose?"

Johnny said, "Patinum, because platinum is more expensive than gold and I could have a Viper in my drive way every day."

The teacher asked another student, "George what element would you pick?"

George said silicone. “Silicone?” the amazed teacher asked.

George said, "Because my mom got some silicone and now she has a ferrari and a viper in her drive way."

 

[Coss]

An elephant asked a camel, "Why do you have boobs on your back?"

The camel was stunned for a second and then replied,
“That’s a good question, especially coming from a freak who has his penis on his face!"

 

[Coss]

A guy walks into a bar in a town with no women and asks the bartender, "How can you live in this town without any women?"

The bartender replies, "It's not that bad. When we get lonely, we go out back where there is a barrel with a knothole in it."

So after a few beers, the guy starts getting a little lonely and tells the bartender he's gonna go find the barrel.
So he walks up to the barrel and sticks it in the knothole.
After about 5 minutes he walks back to the bar and tells the bartender, "Man, that's the greatest stuff I've ever had! What do I owe ya?"

The bartender replies, "Nothing, but it's your turn to get in the barrel."

 

[Coss]

Two migrants arrive in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," the other one replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the first migrant point to a hot-dog vendor and they both walk towards it. "Two dogs, please," says one of the migrants.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil.

Excited, the migrants hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their ‘dogs.’
One migrant unwraps the wrapper, stares at it for a moment, leans over to the other and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

 

[Coss]

Positive thinking is like this...

A little bird in the sky,

You look up, and Shit in your eyes…

You don't mind, you don't cry,

You just Thank God, that COWS DON'T FLY!

 

[Coss]

Two women walking home after a heavy night of booze, needed to pee, so they ducked into a graveyard.
They had no toilet paper so, one woman used her knickers and threw them away the other used a ribbon from a wreath.

The next day their husbands were talking. "We'd better keep an eye on our wives," one said. "Mine came home without her knickers."

"You think that is bad," said the other "mine came home with a card stuck in her arse, saying,
'From all the guys at the fire station, we'll never forget you!'"

 

[Coss]

On a country road, a speeder hit and killed a dog. The dog's owner stood nearby, a gun in his hand.
The speeder said, "Looks as if I killed your dog."

"Sure does."

"I'm sorry. Was it a valuable dog?"

"I wouldn't say that."

"Well, suppose I gave you a hundred dollars. Would that be enough?"

"Well, I don't know."

"Two hundred dollars. That should do it."

"Sounds good."

The speeder reached into his pocket and came up with the money.
Pressing it into the man's hand, he said, "I'm sorry I spoiled your plans to go hunting."

"I wasn't going hunting. I was heading out to the woods to shoot that mangy dog."

 

[Coss]

One day a man was eating dinner at his girlfriend’s parents. The dog was under his chair and it barked while he was holding in a fart.

This startled the man and caused him to rip a small fart. The mom said, "Fido!"

Since the dog was receiving the blame he decided to rip a huge one. Again the mother said, "Fido! Go Away!”

Seeing as the dog was continuing to receive the blame he let out a wet, loud, and/or possibly deafening fart.
Then his girlfriend said, “Fido, you heard mom, leave before he shits on you!"