Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

Two blondes are sitting on a porch in Montana, under a beautiful, full moon.

One turns to the other and asks, " Which do you suppose is farther, the moon or Florida?"

"Hello..." says the other Blonde, "Can you see Florida?"

 

[Johnny Acree]

I asked my niece that a good while back. She was young, and could be fooled easily. So she started by asking for details, like is the moon full? So of course we said yes, just to see if she could figure it out.

 

[Mel]

An Aggie was talking about their latest space program and plans to go to the Sun. The Texas University student said, "You Dummy, you can't go to the Sun. You'll burn up!" To which the Aggie replied, "Don't you think we've got that covered? We're going at night!"

 

[hawg_ryder]

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time, "like sitting around the 19th hole and drinking scotch isn't a good thing!"
Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas.
So, I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her. I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 75 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?
I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses? This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!”
"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said. "I signed up for five jumps a week!"
The line went dead.
Life as a Senior Citizen isn't getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.


_hr

 

[hawg_ryder]

_hr

 

[Coss]

A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application.
The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.

"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job."

"Yes," says the man.

"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that."

"Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application. "At least I'm not a quitter."

 

[Coss]

A man and a woman were in bed getting ready to make love. The woman directed the man, “Go ahead. Put your finger in there.”

So the man did, and after a few minutes, she said, “Put a few more in.”
So the man put a few more in, and then she requested, “Put your whole hand in.”

The man did this, and after a few moments the woman said, “Now put your other hand in.” So the man did. The woman said, “Clap!”

“I can’t,” replied the man.

So the woman said, “Tight, huh?”

 

[hawg_ryder]

From the Desk of Judge Roy Bean...

An “Old West” Texas analysis and summary of Mueller report and Congress’ efforts in one sentence:
"While we recognize that the subject did not actually steal any horses, he is obviously guilty of trying to resist being hanged for it."

_hr

 

[hawg_ryder]

You don't have to be an engineer to appreciate this story.


Procter & Gamble had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty Crest toothpaste boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution – on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.


With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.

Puzzled, the CEO travelled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.

"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over, removing the box and re-starting the line every time the bell rang.”



_hr

 

[hawg_ryder]

_hr