Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a name, he glared at me, and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a worse name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.

But I didn't care.

My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

 

[hawg_ryder]

Hope there not a foot in it <hehehehehe>

Real question is, where is the rest of the rider?

Coss,
I'm guessing he's somewhere above where the pic cuts off that telephone pole! Yeehaw, let's Rodeo!!!
I believe that horse is doing what them cowboy fellers call "sun fishin " I'll have 2 ask my brother in law...He's a 4 real cowboy...got the buckles n' everything...

_hr

 

[Ty]

Coss,
I'm guessing he's somewhere above where the pic cuts off that telephone pole! Yeehaw, let's Rodeo!!!
I believe that horse is doing what them cowboy fellers call "sun fishin " I'll have 2 ask my brother in law...He's a 4 real cowboy...got the buckles n' everything...

_hr

Lol

 

[Lil4X]

A sign used to hang over the urinal in the line shack's restroom at the Lone Star Flight Museum:

"Pilots with short stacks or low manifold pressure, taxi closer."

 

[Mel]

A sign used to hang over the urinal in the line shack's restroom at the Lone Star Flight Museum:
"Pilots with short stacks or low manifold pressure, taxi closer."

Updated version: "Pilots with short pitot tube or low manifold pressure, please taxi in closer. The next pilot might not be float rated."

 

[Lil4X]

Outstanding!

 

[Coss]

A flight attendant was transferring flights of a queue of people whose plane had been cancelled.
Suddenly a man pushed to the front of the line and angrily said, "I need to be on the next flight and it has to be 1st class!"

"I'm sorry sir, but you will have to wait until I deal with these people," she replied.

"Do you know who I am?" he snapped back.

The flight attendant calmly picked up her microphone and spoke clearly, so that the whole terminal could hear.
She said, "There is a man here at desk 14 who doesn't know who he is. Is there anyone who would be able to help him?"

"Fuck you!" he said angrily.

"I'm sorry, sir, but you will have to wait in line for that too."

 

[Coss]

The math teacher in 3rd grade class asked Al, "If there are 4 birds in a tree and a hunter shoots down one of them, how many would there be left?"

Al replied, “None, since all the other birds would fly away after the first shot."

The teacher said, "Al, this is a math class. The answer should be four minus one. However I appreciate your imagination."

The boy sought permission from the teacher to ask a question. Al asked," Three beautiful girls were eating an ice cream cone.
One is lapping up the ice cream, another is nibbling the cone, and the third is sucking the ice cream from the bottom.

Which one of them is married?"

The teacher smiled and replied, " Probably the third one".

Al said, "Miss, the one with the wedding ring is married, but I like your imagination!"

 

[Coss]

While waiting in line to pay for my groceries, a young woman behind me loudly stated,
"I only had it once and that was on our honeymoon! Never again, it made my throat fizzy and felt real funny in my belly."

After a long pause she added, "No more sparkling wine for me, it's just whiskey from now on!"

 

[Coss]

An hour after checking into the motel, the guest stormed up to the front desk. “What kind of chickenshit joint are you running?” he claimed.

“What’s the problem, sir?" the confused desk clerk asked.

“I went up to my room, unlocked the door, and there was a man holding a gun," shouted the irate guest.
“He told me to get on my knees and give him oral sex or he’d blast my brains all over the room!”

“Oh my,” gasped the clerk, shocked and embarrassed. “What did you do?”

The guest screamed, “Well, you didn’t hear any shots, did you?”