Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

What is the definition of macho?

Jogging home after a vasectomy. ...........................................................................................................

 

[Coss]

I'm sitting here on this damn pot…

The Taco Salad's not so hot...

Tomatoes, Beef, Sour Cream and Beans...

Now I'm a walking shit machine! ......................................................................................................................

 

[Coss]

The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry.
"No fancy stuff, doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"

Mr. Smith turned to his wife Becky, "Show him, honey." ............................................

 

[Coss]

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin you day,
but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery are enough".

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand each other any longer," the old man said. "We are are sick and tired of each other,
and I am sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her." He hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck, they're not going to divorce!" she shouts. "I'II take care of this".
She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at the old man,
"You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I am calling my brother and we'll both be there tomorrow morning.
Until then don't do anything. DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up the phone and turn to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they are coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”..... .............

 

[hawg_ryder]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing ."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."



_hr

 

[Coss]

A rural Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a rather large building.
They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.

The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Maw." ................................................................................

 

[Coss]

A man staggers into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Doctor asks, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was playing golf with my wife when we sliced our golf balls into a field of cows. I found one stuck in a cow’s fanny.
I yell to my wife, 'this looks like yours.' I don't remember much after that." ................................Fore...............................

 

[hawg_ryder]

Inquiring minds want to know!

_hr

 

[Coss]

That would be a bitch. Would you want a tow? Or do you think they carry generators now?
I guess which ever is cheaper. (HEHEEHEHEHEHEHEHE)

Of course the tow truck driver would make the decision up for you.

 

[Made in USA]

That would be a bitch. Would you want a tow? Or do you think they carry generators now?
I guess which ever is cheaper. (HEHEEHEHEHEHEHEHE)

Of course the tow truck driver would make the decision up for you.

If they sat there charging you would be paying an hourly rate that would probably be very high. More likely they would tow you to a charging station.