Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

Chemistry classes were going on. The teacher asked a girl student, "What are nitrates?"

The girl blushed and answered, "Night-rates are costlier than day rates, I can tell you that."

 

[hawg_ryder]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now
you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your
penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in
insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new
penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an
inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you
want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and
this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five
incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you
had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now,
she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping
you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with
your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor

"We're getting granite counter tops."





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[hawg_ryder]

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[Coss]

What is the difference between a Southern fairy tale and a Northern fairy tale?

A northern fairy tale starts out, "Once upon a time" and a southern fairy tale starts out, "Y'all ain’t gonna believe this shit!"

 

[Coss]

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell, and is greeted by Satan.
Satan says, "I'm in a good mood today, I let you pick out which of three rooms you'd rather be in."

He leads Bill to the first room. It is filled with lava and people getting tortured.
He goes forward to the next room where there are people standing in fire screaming.
He is then taken to the third room where there is a beautiful woman, a bottle of wine, and a computer.
Gates turns quickly to Satan and says, "I'll take this room thanks!"

So Satan locks him in and then one of his messengers come racing up asking, "Why are you putting him in there?"

Satan says, "There is a hole in the wine bottle, no hole in the lady, and the computer is Windows 95 and it is missing three keys."

"Which keys?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."....................................................................................................

 

[Coss]

The President of a Latin American country announced today that he is changing the nation’s emblem to a condom as it more clearly reflects the government’s political stance.

A condom stands for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while it’s actually screwing you.

 

[Coss]

The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out the application.
The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man said that he couldn't answer the question about the cause of death of his father.

The salesman wanted to know why. After some embarrassment the client explained that his father had been hanged.

The salesman pondered for a moment. "Just write: 'Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave way.'" ..........

 

[Coss]

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience.
During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have major cosmetic surgery: a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, etc.
She even has someone come in and change her hair color.
She figures, since she's got another 30 or 40 years, she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.
She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"

God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you." ................. ..........................................................

 

[Coss]

A man told his wife that he had appointed a new secretary to help him in his business.

The wife asks, "Is she blonde, brunette, or red hair?”

He replied, "HE is bald." ..........................................

 

[hawg_ryder]

But if you insist on doing so...know these:
1. Save all bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
4. Get used to the phrase "It's not the heat, it's the humidity". And the collateral phrase "You call this hot? Wait'll August."
5. Don't tell us how you did it there. Nobody cares.
6. If you think it's too hot, don't worry. It'll cool down-in December.
7. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol...a Super-Duty pickup is.
8. If someone says they're "fixin" to do something, that doesn't mean anything's broken.
9. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door but the availability of shade.
10. If you are driving a slower moving vehicle on a two lane road, pull onto the shoulder. That is called "courtesy".
11. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hot dogs outdoors.
12. Weddings, funerals and divorces must take into account the Rodeo & parade schedule.
13. Everything is better with hot sauce or BBQ sauce.
14. DO NOT honk your horn at us. It is obnoxious and we will sit there until we die.
15. We pull over and stop for emergency vehicles to pass.
16. We pull over for funeral processions, turn our music off and men remove hats or caps. Some people put their hand over their heart.
17. "Bless your Heart" is a nice way of saying you're an idiot.
18. No mater what kind, Sprite, Coke, Pepsi, Mtn Dew, it isn't called soda or pop. It is all called coke or drank!
19. There will always be a tractor on the two lanes when you are running late, so allow time for that.
20. If you don't like the weather, wait 15 minutes, it will change.
21. We respect and consider heroes, first responders, veterans and teachers.
22. The American, Texas, POW and Gadsden flags are considered sacred.
23. The Constitution is sacred...ALL of it!
24. Unless you're prepared to fight for it, your political opinion may be best kept to yourself.
25. Many of us carry firearms, all of us carry knives.
26. God is sovereign and we PRAY!
~ God Blessed Texas!!!!

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