What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show?
A celebrity roast! .........................
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A celebrity roast! .........................
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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )
- Thread starter Keith Dahl
- Start date
hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
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hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
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hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
Estate Planning:
Doug was a single guy, living at home with his father and working in
the family business. He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his
sickly father died.
Doug wanted two things:
to learn how to invest his inheritance and,
to find a wife to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a
few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 60 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men...
_hr
Doug was a single guy, living at home with his father and working in
the family business. He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his
sickly father died.
Doug wanted two things:
to learn how to invest his inheritance and,
to find a wife to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a
few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 60 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men...
_hr
hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
I hate it when this happens!
I had a blind date last night, but before it I was worried what to do if she was really unattractive. My friend told me not to worry as there’s an app for just that situation.
It’s called, “Mom, are you okay” and it schedules your phone to ring just after you meet your date. If you like her, you just ignore your phone. If you want to cut short the date, you answer with, "Mom? What’s the matter? Are you okay?" It works every time, no worries.
So anyway, I knocked on the girl’s door and it turns out I needn’t have worried at all. She was absolutely gorgeous and stunning. But just when I was about to speak to her, her phone rang.
She answered it and said, "Mom? What’s the matter? Are you okay?"
_hr
I had a blind date last night, but before it I was worried what to do if she was really unattractive. My friend told me not to worry as there’s an app for just that situation.
It’s called, “Mom, are you okay” and it schedules your phone to ring just after you meet your date. If you like her, you just ignore your phone. If you want to cut short the date, you answer with, "Mom? What’s the matter? Are you okay?" It works every time, no worries.
So anyway, I knocked on the girl’s door and it turns out I needn’t have worried at all. She was absolutely gorgeous and stunning. But just when I was about to speak to her, her phone rang.
She answered it and said, "Mom? What’s the matter? Are you okay?"
_hr
1 and 3 were really good, but 2 and 4 could have been better, especially 4 that one was poor.........
But you got a thumbs up for the effort...
But you got a thumbs up for the effort...
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex, mystery.
The prize winning essay read: "My God!" said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?" ...............................................
The prize winning essay read: "My God!" said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?" ....................
...........................
A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin.
A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso.
The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel.
The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. “You wantt, yes?” she asked, acknowledging his state of arousal.
“You bet!” was the excited reply.
“Okay,” she said. “I come back in then minutes.”
A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso.
The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel.
The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. “You wantt, yes?” she asked, acknowledging his state of arousal.
“You bet!” was the excited reply.
“Okay,” she said. “I come back in then minutes.”
hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
> NORTH DAKOTA FARM KID in the Marines ( PARIS ISLAND MARINE CORPS
> RECRUIT TRAINING)
> Dear Ma and Pa,
> I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the
> Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to
> join up quick before all of the places are filled.>
> I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6
> a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all
> you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No
> hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.
> Practically nothing.
> Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.>
> Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs,
> bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried
> eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can
> always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus
> yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder
> these city boys can't walk much.>
> We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long
> walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him
> different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home.
> Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.>
> The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is
> like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown.
> They don't bother you none.>
> This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting
> medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as
> a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the
> Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable
> and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in
> boxes.
> Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
> wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they
> break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.
> I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from
> over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time
> as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300
> pounds dry.
> Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers
> get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
> Your loving daughter,
> Alice
Semper Fi!
> RECRUIT TRAINING)
> Dear Ma and Pa,
> I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the
> Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to
> join up quick before all of the places are filled.>
> I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6
> a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all
> you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No
> hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.
> Practically nothing.
> Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.>
> Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs,
> bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried
> eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can
> always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus
> yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder
> these city boys can't walk much.>
> We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long
> walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him
> different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home.
> Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.>
> The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is
> like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown.
> They don't bother you none.>
> This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting
> medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as
> a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the
> Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable
> and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in
> boxes.
> Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
> wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they
> break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.
> I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from
> over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time
> as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300
> pounds dry.
> Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers
> get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
> Your loving daughter,
> Alice
Semper Fi!
Scratched into the paint of the condom-dispensing machine were these words…
"Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber!" .............................................
............................
"Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber!" ...........
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