Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

A young dumb woman is walking down the street with her blouse unbuttoned and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Because your breast is hanging out."

She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD!
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I left the baby on the bus again!"

 

[Coss]

Bill’s wife goes out to buy a car. The salesman says, I recommend this one. She asks why.
The salesman says, “Because it has hydraulic backspin brakes. Get in and I’ll show you.”

He drives the car 100 miles an hour toward a brick wall, and when he’s 100 feet away he jams on the brakes.
They stop a foot from the wall. The salesman says, “Do you smell that?”

She takes a sniff and says, “Uh-huh.”

The salesman says proudly, “That’s hydraulic backspin brakes.”

That night when Bill gets home, his wife says, “Dear, I bought a car.”

Bill asks, “How did you decide which kind to buy?”

She says, “I bought one with hydraulic backspin brakes. Get in and I’ll show you."

They get in, and she drives 100 miles an hour toward the same brick wall.
When they are 100 feet away from it she jams on the brakes, and they stop one foot from the wall.
She looks over at her husband and says. “Do you smell that?”
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Bill says, “I ought to! I’m sitting in it.”

 

[Coss]

You might not be the best looking girl here…

But beauty is only a light switch away!

 

[hawg_ryder]

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.



_hr

 

[Coss]

This elderly lady is a widow two times and she decides to get married again. On the wedding day she shows up at the church in a white dress. The preacher comes over and says, "Excuse me, but what are you doing?"

She replies, "Preacher, I came to get married."

He said, "Don’t you know that only virgins are supposed to dress in white on their wedding day?"

She responds, "But Preacher, I’m still a virgin."

"I married you two times in this church before. How can you tell me that you are still a virgin?"

"I am and I can prove it.
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Look, my first husband was a gynecologist all he wanted was to look at it.
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My second husband was a stamp collector... boy do I miss that guy."

 

[Coss]

A bitter divorced guy bumped into his ex-wife’s new husband at a cocktail party.
After a few drinks, he strolled conceitedly over to him and sneered, “So, how do you like using secondhand goods?”
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“It doesn’t bother me,” said the new husband. “Once you get past the first three inches, it’s all brand new.”.......................

 

[Coss]

A man living in a nudist camp gets a letter from his mother requesting that he send her a photo of himself.
Unfortunately, the only pictures he has are ones in which he is wearing no clothes.
So he cuts a snapshot in half, and then sends the photo showing him from the waist up to his mother.

His mother is so pleased with the picture that she asks him to send one to his grandmother.
The man thinks to himself, “Grandma’s eyesight is so bad these days; I’ll send her the bottom half.”

A week later he receives a letter from his grandmother.
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In the letter she writes, “I liked your picture, but your new hairstyle makes your nose look too long.” ....................

 

[Coss]

A couple was laying in bed one night reading and ever so often the man would reach over and rub the woman across the snatch.
This went on several times.

The woman was starting to get a little horny.
The woman finally jumped up, took her clothes off, and told her husband to make love to her.
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The husband laughed and said he was only getting some moisture on his fingers to turn the pages.

 

[Coss]

A man was observing a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket.
As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No."

The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly,
"Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy.
When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry.
The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into
a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased.
The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check-out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her.
"I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.

The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy." ....................................................

 

[Coss]

What is the difference between a fox and a pig?

About 5 or 6 beers!............................................