Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[CrimsonEclipse]

View attachment 4540

OUCH!!!

 

[Hotscoots]

 

[azurehenfruit]

French Police
This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.

The French policeman stops this car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt thereafter.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French law why he is going to be arrested.

The Englishman answers with humor: "No, sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving ... on the other side?"

 

[outsydthebox]

French Police
This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.

The French policeman stops this car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt thereafter.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French law why he is going to be arrested.

The Englishman answers with humor: "No, sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving ... on the other side?"

OOh, French jokes...
Q: What did the dehydrated frenchman say to the other dehydrated frenchman?
A: "What do we do now, Pierre? ( "pee air?" )

 

[ross]

My wife said that, for her birthday, she would like to go somewhere where she had not been for a long time. "What about the kitchen?" I offered.

Know what my wife likes to make for dinner?
Reservations.
Know what my wifes favorite wine is?
Why don't you ever take me anywhere?

 

[ross]

A woman walks into a Pharmacy and says, " I need some arsenic...I want to kill my husband." The pharmacist says, "I can't do that...but, Why do you want to kill your husband?" The woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a photograph. She says, "I hired a PI and this is what he found!" The pharmacist looks at the picture and sees a man and a woman, naked in bed. He looks a little closer, and recognizes the woman..."that's my wife!" he exclaims. "Oh, that's different!" he says, "Why didn't you tell me you have a prescription?!?!"

A woman always wanted a Mexican hairless dog, instead, her husband buys her a Chihuahua, so she gets on her bicycle and rides down to the local drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs a bottle of Nair. The guy tells her 'I have to warn you, if you put this on your legs, you won't be able to wear nylons for a few days'. She says 'I'm not going to put it on my legs'. He says 'well if you put it under your arms, you won't be able to wear tight tops for a few days'. She says I'm not going to put it under my arms, I'm going to put it on my Chihauhau. He says 'lady if you do that, you won't be able to ride that bicycle for a week!

 

[folgers]

o_O

True story...
A young man was driving through Georgia with a few friends and was pulled over by a state trooper for excessive speed. The trooper asked him how fast he thought he was going. The young man answered, "Not as fast as Sherman!" I thought for sure he was going to get slapped in jail. For those few unsure of the reference, during the Civil War General Sherman captured Atlanta and had the Union troops burn a 45 mile swath to the Atlantic Ocean. It became known as "Sherman's march to the sea."

 

[ross]

OOh, French jokes...
Q: What did the dehydrated frenchman say to the other dehydrated frenchman?
A: "What do we do now, Pierre? ( "pee air?" )

What do they call a French submarine skipper?
Chicken of the sea.
Why do all French battle ships have glass bottoms?
So they can see the rest of the fleet.

 

[ross]

o_O

Another true story: An elderly American man flies to Paris, and a surly French customs agent asks for his passport, as he fumbles for it, the Frenchman asks, 'Have you every been to France before?' The gentleman says 'Yes, but I didn't need a passport'. The Frenchman responds 'That is impossible if you have ever been to France, you know you need a passport.' The American says 'When I stormed the beach at Normandy on June 6th 1944, I didn't see one Frenchman to show a passport to.

 

[ross]

Another true story: An elderly American man flies to Paris, and a surly French customs agent asks for his passport, as he fumbles for it, the Frenchman asks, 'Have you every been to France before?' The gentleman says 'Yes, but I didn't need a passport'. The Frenchman responds 'That is impossible if you have ever been to France, you know you need a passport.' The American says 'When I stormed the beach at Normandy on June 6th 1944, I didn't see one Frenchman to show a passport to.

Another true story: A NATO meeting with the Allies, and a French commander complains that the meetings are always held in English. He says 'Why can't they be in French' He says 'If it wasn't for us you would be having this meeting in German'
.