Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

Finally!!

 

[Muzhik]

You know what you call the security team at a Samsung store?

.....

Guardians of the Galaxy!

 

[Doug McDow]

A priest offered a Nun a lift.. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal her leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The Nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The Nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized' Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the Nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said,' Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' Moral of the story: if you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity!

 

[BigWarpGuy]

A bird was flying south for the winter. The weather turned and he froze and fell in a pasture. A cow came by a dropped dung on him. He started to thaw and warm up. He started to sing and was happy. A cat heard him sing and went to investigate. He dug the bird out and ate him. The moral of he story is. When someone shits on you, he is not always your enemy. One who digs you out of shit is not always your friend. And last but not least. When you are in deep Shit keep your mouth closed!

I heard something similar.

A lion came across a cow, leap on it and devoured. The lion was so satisfied with it that he started to roar. A hunter hearing the roaring, followed it and shot the lion. The moral of the story is when you are full of bull, it is wise to keep your mouth shut.

 

[Coss]

Grandpa and his 7 year old grandson are gardening when to boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”

“I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t,” says Gramps.
“It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.” The kid runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray.
He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board, and proceeds to put it right back into the hole.

Grandpa hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later, Grandpa comes out and hands the boy another five dollars.

“Grandpa, you already paid me,” says the kid.

“I know. This is from your Grandma.”

 

[Johnny Cyclone]

Grandpa and his 7 year old grandson are gardening when to boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”

“I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t,” says Gramps.
“It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.” The kid runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray.
He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board, and proceeds to put it right back into the hole.

Grandpa hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later, Grandpa comes out and hands the boy another five dollars.
T
“Grandpa, you already paid me,” says the kid.

“I know. This is from your Grandma.”

Two elderly women were sitting on a couch in a nursing home listening to a waltz, one turns to the other and said "Do you remember the 'Minute'? The other one said " I don't remember half the men I screwed."

 

[Uncle Charlie]

A professional baseball didn't have any good players, and no prospects of any to join the team. A player approached the manager and indicated he knew someone who was available and talented, but there was a catch. Naturally, the manager asked about the catch. The player replied, "He's a horse." This stunned the manager, though he agreed to give the horse a chance. At practice, the horse was first sent to third base. Not only did he catch a hard line drive, he threw the ball to first long before the runner arrived. Impressed, the manager gave the horse a chance in the outfield. With his long legs, the horse had no trouble grabbing a fly ball out of the air. Impressed again, the manager sent the horse to the plate to bat. He hit it nearly out of the park, and just stood at the plate. The manager yelled, "Run!" The horse responded, "Are you kidding? If I could run I'd at the Belmont Stakes!"

 

[Frim]

A man took his talking dog to a talent agency for an interview and job app. The agent wanted to hear him talk and asked what do we have over our heads? The dog replied, "roof, roof" The agents was put off by that response and asked them to leave. The man begged for another chance so the agent asked, "What was the world's greatest baseball player?" The dog replied, "Ruth, Ruth". The agent threw them out of his office. The dog looked at his master and asked, "Joe DiMaggio?

 

[Mel]

I just heard that Hillary called the White House in the middle of the night demanding to talk to the President.
"Wake him. This is an emergency!"
Mr. Trump answered the phone and asked, "What can I do for you Ms. Clinton?"
"A Supreme Court Justice just died and I want to take his place!"
"Well it's alright with me if it's alright with the mortuary."

 

[Coss]

I just heard that Hillary called the White House in the middle of the night demanding to talk to the President.
"Wake him. This is an emergency!"
Mr. Trump answered the phone and asked, "What can I do for you Ms. Clinton?"
"A Supreme Court Justice just died and I want to take his place!"
"Well it's alright with me if it's alright with the mortuary."

HAHhahahahahhhhaaaa yyyyaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn